I saw the news article where the evangelist Pat Robertson said that divorce is acceptable if one of the spouse’s has Alzheimer’s. On reading the article, I considered, “Are affairs acceptable if they are due to a disease?”
This may seem like an odd question, yet some of you have asked me about situations where one spouse is ill or invalid and the other uses that as an excuse for having an affair. Those having the affair often bring God into their argument stating that “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy“.
I don’t know what Bible or religious book they are reading, but I have yet to see where anyone was promised happiness, much less the approval of infidelity. In order to make infidelity acceptable in light of an ill spouse, the thinking and theology have to be twisted around.
The whole John Edwards situation dealt with this question. In his case, his wife had breast cancer, and the illness was used in excusing his infidelity.
In the cases where some of you have asked, there is often an incapacitating illness involved. When those illnesses arise, some cheaters toss their marriage vows aside and consider your illness their “get out of responsibility (guilt) free card”.
Such cheaters don’t value their wedding vows. They don’t value the institution of marriage as shown by their actions.
There are also the sexual addicts, alcoholics and drug addicts whose illness is used in excusing their infidelity. The addiction may explain and help you put behaviors in context, but they don’t excuse the choices made.
The use of disease in ‘excusing’ the affair may make the cheater feel less guilty, but it doesn’t lessen the wrongness of their action in the eyes of their resolute spouse.
One possible set of situations are those involving traumatic brain injuries and severe brain diseases where their ability to maintain self-control are compromised or impaired. These are extreme situations, which may be the only times where a disease actually causes an affair.
The addict numbs their conscience, to where they are oblivious. There are many cheaters who confuse being numbed out with the lack of guilt.
Disease doesn’t make infidelity more acceptable. There are no clauses in the marriage vows allowing cheating in case of illness.
The mind can be reprogrammed to tolerate many things. The cheaters may use meditation and new age approaches in further justifying their cheating since you have a disease and ‘they have NEEDS!’
Cheating on your ill spouse is a violation of not responding to their needs. If your cheating is being excused to your own illness, be it a chemical imbalance, or other issue does not make it right.
It may mean that there are more problems going on, or that your bigger problem is larger than the affair, but it doesn’t mean that the affair is acceptable.
For more help in dealing with affairs and the issues associated with them, join the support community at “Restored Lifestyle”. There you’ll find others who are going through what you’re going through. Membership also includes free access to many of the affair recovery videos and ebooks from RestoreTheFamily.com
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
“The mind can be reprogrammed to tolerate many things.” Great quote. I think of how my spouse was able to carry on for years with her pretending to be single,even sitting in church services with her when she and I still knew nothing, being engaged to her, lying to her, to us, to work. It is a wonder he did not come apart at the seams, but in a way it seems he was able to compartmentalize and his mind/conscience somehow adapted to allow it. Finally it all fell apart and so did he, and he needs real help and seems to be emotionally and mentally unbalanced now, but he doesn’t recognize it. WON”T recognize it because it is too painful to look at himself that way, so he continues to collapse. It is tragic to watch…so sad to see what sin does, even to the mind. We can call it a “disease” he has…narcissistic personality disorder or whatever, but sin is the root.
Andi,
I am glad that you like the quote. I am constantly amazed at how people have reprogrammed their minds to tolerate many things that they would not typically find acceptable.
“In the cases where some of you have asked, there is often an incapacitating illness involved. When those illnesses arise, some cheaters toss their marriage vows aside and consider your illness their “get out of responsibility (guilt) free cardâ€. Such cheater do not value their wedding vows. They do not value the institution of marriage as shown by their actions.”
As a generalization this is not a fair statement. For most situations I think I would agree, but everything is not so simple.
Terri Schiavo’s family disapproved of her husband. He was fighting against them in court to remove her life support–which she was on for what, 14 years? And he had a new partner with whom he had children. They felt he should divorce Terri. That would also give them responsibility for her.
But he loved his wife and refused to divorce her. I think his case is an exception because he did not toss aside his vows, he held them dear. Biblically he was an adulterer. But was he considered an adulterer outside of a Biblical context–to society in general? Yes, to some and No to others.
I can guess after reading that shocking article about Pat Roberston (thanks for the link) that Mr. Robertson would have sided with the family and encouraged Mr. Schiavo to divorce his wife. Mr Robertson said a person is not breaking the ’til death do us part’ vow because “alzheimers is a kind of death.” No, it is a kind of dying–as is all life. So in that consideration Terri Schiavo was also not dead but in the process. So I guess it’s just a bunch of different loopholes and some will find some acceptable and some will find others acceptable and some will find none acceptable.
I have a great deal of respect for what Mr. Schiavo did for his wife. I also understand his need to move on to another partner–especially since he was young and wanted to have children. I might be less forgiving with someone older–and that is my issue and not fair. I get it because when Sweetheart left me I was 32 and I had to choose between either Standing for my marriage and possibly not having children if we reconciled–because his initial excuse for leaving was he did not want kids (it was just an excuse by the way) or not Standing and getting a divorce and entering the world of dating with the possibility of finding someone within a fertility timeframe.
Turns out I did not have fertility time, but I did not know that then. I chose Sweetheart. I chose him with the risk that we may never have children. That risk is being realized genetically and we are now trying to adopt. But I would not trade it. I risked and gave up my fertility for my marriage. Mr. Schiavo risked being an adulterer for the love of his wife Terri and for the need for a companion and mate.
Rollercoasterrider,
The Schiavo episode is one filled with many challenges and strong feelings. Alzheimer’s situations often present many challenges where each option is painful. It is likely that Mr Schaivo loved his wife, although not enough to remain loyal to her. His decision to compromise his values made the situation worse than it had to be. His choice to take up with another woman turned the Schaivo situation into an emotional minefield. Rather than a situation where things were black and white, it forced people to get involved emotionally to the various players. There are often tough choices between doing what is right and what brings emotional relief. Falling into that logic often leads to even tougher choices. I understand he had tough choices, I also know that his choices made the situation even tougher and more confusing than they had to be.