A reader wrote, “After my husband’s affair, I don’t trust him at all with other women. Are there any signs that he won’t be unfaithful again?”
Before you read too far into this, realize it is not always possible to know if an affair will happen again. It would be great if there was a magic crystal ball that could tell you if it will happen again. The truth is, you don’t know with 100% certainty.
One of the memorable one liners delivered by President Ronald Reagan was, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”
At the time he spoke it, some were shocked, others laughed and some even gnashed their teeth. There’s something powerful about choosing the right words in expressing ideas.
At the time, he referred to the trust in the relationship of the public with the government. People have a relationship with government that requires trust. Although Reagan didn’t mention trust specifically, trust is what his statement was about.
Now, decades later, I see a deeper truth in his quote that I initially missed. Although Reagan’s focus was on the government, another meaning struck me.
The meaning I’m referring to is that ‘relationship trust’ is scary. The family therapist Robert Ackerman expressed it better, “The Scariest of all trusts is relationship trust”.
You know the terrifying reality of that in your marriage. After an affair, trusting the cheater is scary. And it’s not just when the cheater is newly out of an affair or in the “honeymoon phase” that you are anxious about their next step.
For some, even if their cheater has been in counseling faithfully and remains committed to changing, there’s still a part of them that wonders if he/she will be faithful again.
With scary movies, you know that the scary parts will come to an end. With an affair, you live in the uncertainty of ‘will it ever end?’
You’re no longer sure of what happens and whether or not you can believe what they tell you. Each day is a gamble. You wonder if they’re going to do it again.
You seldom feel at ease. That constant tickle in your mind keeps you wondering about what may happen. Some of you can’t imagine being able to trust your spouse again.
Can they be trusted? Will they have an affair again?
In my opinion, getting over the fear isn’t about knowing with certainty that there won’t ever be another affair. It’s more about trusting yourself and taking risks to believe what you know in your heart.
When the cheater tells you “Trust Me!”, it should send up a giant red warning flag announcing an upcoming danger.
When you are facing the uncertainty and scary prospect of trusting again, do you know where to begin? Do you know the difference between blind trust and dependable trust?
Do you know what signs to look for, indicating they can be believed?
If you have uncertainties, you can move past them. In the video ‘How Can I Trust You Again?’, I address trust. You can know what the signs are that you can believe them again.
You can have confidence that what you and your spouse are doing is making your relationship stronger. You can know whether you have a solid foundation of trust or are just ‘blindly trusting in trust’.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
