Your biggest adversaries in overcoming an affair are not people. You will find your biggest adversaries are often your own past, your own fears and your own fantasies about people,events, etc. It is often easier to see people as ‘the enemy’. They may have even physically hurt you. Your own fears about what they might do, might say and what might happen often torment you more that whatever happened to you. Since there are so many secrets with affairs, you may find yourself connecting the dots and filling in spaces with your own fantasies and conjecture. This is made more challenging by how affairs shake you to your core. They leave you questioning yourself and conjure up memories and events from your past to the point where you often find yourself wrestling with your own past, and the affair in the present, and your unsure future all at the same time. Trying to fight battles on three fronts is often a frustrating and discouraging proposition. Fighting all three at the same time will wear you out.
What this means is that you need to pick your battles carefully. Rather than attacking the lover, you need to overcome your fears. Your main weapons are faith, honesty and truth. Another powerful weapon is leaning to say “no”. It sounds simple, yet many lives have been damaged from people not saying “no”.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
9 Responses
Once again you have touched upon a very important aspect of not just healing from adultery but LIFE in general . Learning to say ‘NO” is such a vital aspect for keeping boundaries in place.
In order to do that people need to recognize what priorities are necessary for us to live a life in ORDER….chaos is not gods design no matter what agenda anyone may have thought was a ‘good idea at the time”!
Once again I find myself having to revisit what I heard in the ministry I was involved in where they said we should ALWAYS say “YES” whenever asked to serve !
That may be an OK thing for singles….but still God gave us a brain and His Word in order for us to learn how to know what is to be FIRST in our lives. God is to be first …but after Him and our relationship with Him then what?
He said for married men that their wife should be next.’
I feel if a man orders his life by God’s word that he will first want to know GOD and what God wants and then be willing to be taught from time in the word looking for what GOD tells every man who is married what to do next.
No other person is to be before his wife….and that is from the first law of marriage revealed to Adam when God brought Eve to be his ONE FLESH companion for life.
Adam had no ‘others’ to compete with his focus upon his wife at the time that we know of ….God told Adam that a man was to LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife.
I think we often just glide over such statements in our ‘skim happy’ world …I know I used to miss a LOT of what GOD probably had wanted me to take heed to in my earlier years in following after Jesus …but here we see something important …God did not say to Adam ….love your wife ….cleave …oh yeah and you need to leave your parents too.
The first thing that would allow and facilitate the cleaving part was for him to LEAVE his parents …mentally …his loyalty was to be for his wife FIRST among human relationships.
I think that a bit of the knowledge of that culture helps us to see more in depth that this was indeed not just a physical leaving but more and emotional and mental change of identity and loyalty to his wife.
Many homes in that time were basically apartments that were linked together…many newly marrieds stayed in the house of the man’s parents but in their own ‘wing’ so to speak . It was understood by way of God’s word however that the young man was to have a change in loyalty …from parents ,which were the closest most influential up to that point …but from all others too ,.
Keeping the god given priorities of one’s jurisdiction …from self governing to taking upon himself another jurisdiction of husband ….and then eventually fatherhood…was gracefully designed to help the man grow into keeping these responsibilities.
Our culture does not teach priorities in this way …IF any priorities are seen it is SELF first , then maybe WORK and then perhaps FUN ….even when married many young men and old take for granted they have simply just ‘hired’ a person to BE there for them and they may realize they must earn money to support that person but many women find after marriage their husband’s are not aware of or do not care to know about priorities that God has set forth that would keep their love for their wives growing and protect it.
It would nurture the love and respect the woman has for her husband as well
Hearing and experiencing my husband say and do things that were disloyal to our marriage and me and particularly our Lord made it VERY difficult to maintain respect for him . I did what I could as well as I could but my hope was he would develop …but he told me outright he had no interest in learning more about the ‘job’ of what GOD would tell him about being a husband …or father.
He had heard enough from fellowships and seminars and he wanted NO PART of being a married man ….what he wanted was to have the marriage as part of his image …but he wanted to be seen as a single man by women . He wanted the freedom to do whatever he wanted.
He is very popular and “in demand’ in many of the venues that he has had occasion to be in through his work .
Also his elite university friends often offered HIM something fun to do provided he was not going to have his family along…not always but he was quick to jump on the kinds of things that did not include me or his family.
He also DID enjoy the rare occasion when he took his family out of the moth balls for some event where he could demonstrate his ‘family guy’ side.
I did not really want to acknowledge this then …I felt he simply had to work so hard to be so successful …That is true but it was not all work when he was at ‘work’ either …many MANY hours he was ‘at play’ and I was at home feeling sorry for HIM since he worked so HARD!
I passed a young mother today on her way into a grocery store…She had four young children …all dressed in sweatshirts declaring they were ‘home schooled’ ….I spoke a few encouraging words to her as she passed by …it is a REAL JOB to homeschool and I LOVED IT …but I did not have the support of my husband in time , interest or any other ..he was too busy at the time we began to go with me to the first convention even so he could LEARN ABOUT what we were doing !
HE complains that he ‘let me ‘ homeschool ‘….but our children graduated and then graduated with HONORS at a very difficult University ….so I was not the failure that his family thought I would be ! Frankly I laugh and say that my children learned well ‘in spite ‘ of me! hahaha..we had a glorious time ….BUT IT WAS very difficult at times…especially in those first years…and EVERY two or so years we would MOVE .
My husband told me TWICE during this time that he was ‘willing ‘ for me to stay behind …hundreds of miles apart …and he would visit us …commuting to see us on weekends! …Frankly we might have seen MORE of him if I had agreed!
I was shocked however and told him that is NOT how marriage works…Hard as those moves were on us …it was what a wife does!
He was never around through those moves but went on ahead because the ‘company policy was ‘get there now’ whenever they transferred someone…and they said “jump’ and he ‘jumped’
It didn’t hurt that his girlfriend was free to move quickly and so he and she enjoyed a couple of months alone while we had to sell the house and then manage the move with three young children. Yes they were home educated ….home discipled ….they learned a LOT about real estate selling and moving companies!
They also had much of our ‘flow’ interrupted….My husband thought that homeschooling was a great idea since he was not involved and did not realize the factors that his moving around would cause.
I believe that his non involvement in the ground floor of parenting was a contributing factor in his assuming parenthood was a breeze and any fool could do it ….after all his WIFE was doing it so it couldn’t be THAT hard!
I know the view that the culture has painted of motherhood and it is not a highly respected calling ….HOW upside down is that !
Oh the present presidential administration talks a good talk …but they too encourage what is ungodly and foul in the sight of GOD …nothing will deter the wrath that will come upon any who disrespect God’s order for family !
The belittling of God’s plan, order and priorities has been the destructive tool used to bring many down to the dust ….remember the dust ???? It was CURSED as a result of Adam’s sin …and the dust of the ground is not a good thing to be compared to .
Many references to “MUD” and MIXTURE” in the word lend the impression that God is not pleased with this kind of attitude.
Arrogant MUD is what many have become….
Even at my weakest subject matter my kids excelled beyond me ! Because GOD placed ability within human beings to grow in knowledge when the priorities are right.
I taught what I do know even at the expense at times of the school work that is appropriately scholastic…I taught from the Bible …as well as I am able and my cup did “over flow’ …those kids nearly DROWNED in Bible!
I taught what the Bible said…I taught what I had thought and what I had been corrected in …I taught where I blew it and where God showed me how and what …
To me equipping our children with the wisdom and knowledge of GOD is HUGE!
My husband said upon the graduation ceremony at the university when my daughter and son graduated that our children’s education was ALL MY doing !
I know he meant that as a compliment but I felt embarrassed FOR HIM …HE did not realize that he had confessed out loud that he abdicated his role as father …which was TRUE.
ALL the time we were homeschooling he was in adultery with the OW …and some others too …and all the time we were moving around he said he did not tell her to follow him but she did anyway …HE did not STOP her….
Then as we were winding up one child’s high school …with another going to college …living at home since dorms are co ed….not the best arrangement for any student body …I don’t care how UN PC that is !
My kids did not want to get involved with the debauchery that went on at that school…and though it was a church school [ I refrain from naming names …] It was full of wickedness….yet my kids kept themselves to the Word of GOD .
Sadly after all this and yet another move I discovered that through all this he had not only had the adultery going on but had fathered TWO children.
My point here …at some length is that HE did not prioritize ….HE WOULD NOT prioritize…NOW he has two children that he is trying to do something for …though he cannot back up and retrain them and the younger years are gone…their mother has innoculated them against Bible and has forbidden it in the house…My husband sees the behavior problems and does not know what to do .
He refused to parent our family and now he does not know how to do what would be best for the other children …he has to be a fair weather dad …
I do not think I made parenting “look easy’ …I think that his ignorance and attitude about being a parent comes from not having paid any attention . He took ME for granted and he took parenting to be ‘easy ‘ and no sweat…and children seemed to have been viewed as some view pets…Nice and cute .when they are small but too much to deal with later on .
However I must hand it to him …he is set upon being there as much as he can …but he ‘hates’ the OW for what she lured him into ..and himself for having been so bull headed.
Nice that he recognizes that ..but he is still keeping himself to his solitary life …
What it has cost me does not seem to matter much to him ..he is too busy feeling sorry for himself and too worried about trying to build up our finances again …..NO ONE could TELL HIM ANYTHING .
HE squandered more money on that woman than I can bare to speak of ..
I am glad that I have tried to be a good steward but my husband always made me feel like I was just lucky he would pay for the house and food.
Keeping godly priorities is wise and it results in a happy wife …happy life as they say and a great legacy to leave at the end of the trail
YES …learn to say “NO” to all interlopers of the things of GOD !
Zaza,
It will take me some time to consider all that you have shared. There are many rich and deep matters that you touched on. My heart is often grieved to hear of churches that push the whole say “Yes”. Such slogans may sound encouraging, but I have spent too many hours in the counseling room where those involved in the ministry had an adulterous dynamic with their church, while their family suffered. There is little difference between the corporate sell out world and the church sell out world on that point. Both will destroy your family and marriage when they hold to such ideas.
I have long been a ‘leave and cleave’ proponent. It has not always been an idea that people want to hear or put into practice. When I married Peggy, we went so far as to light the unity candle representing our marriage and to put out the candles representative of the families. It was a bold statement at the time, and few people caught the symbolism of that act at the time.
It also hurts my heart that your husband was encouraged by friends to go to events that do not welcome families. I have often found that the attitude of groups to children provides clues as to whether they are ‘good’ or ‘evil’. There are also times that the choice is not so clear as good versus evil but rather better or best.
I appreciate your comments. You are a blessing. I cringe thinking about how your husband has missed out on the richness of what you have to share.
Thank you my friend …Hearing ANY encouragement or appreciative words is such a huge part of healing …I have had a DESERT of such from my husband who I set myself apart from all other avenues for such kindnesses….I did that deliberately to make sure I would not fall prey to the kind of effect any relationship with someone other than my husband would bring about.
Before marriage I had many MANY acquaintances through ministry and my music career . I do not think I was unbalanced in my ‘need’ for kind words or appreciation . Nothing meant more to me than those from one who knew me best …and I thought I could count on him to give me sound feed back as well . As a musician I always was aware of the way good criticism was useful for growing and developing my art. I paid good money for tough coaches….Nothing to me was more indicative of love and respect than people who felt it worthwhile to speak the truth to me …especially those who KNOW their business!
In marriage I expected this from the man I married ..giving and receiving BOTH words of encouragement , appreciation …and helpful reflections on ways to improve. He did not seems to care enough about me to do any of that …he also seemed to be a bit envious of the friends and fans I had.
For the sake of his feelings and our marriage I declined to continue to perform …even on occasion…It was what I felt was best . I loved my husband and wanted him to know that he was more important to me than my career …or anyone else .
This did not make much of an impression upon him ….sadly.
Instead of support and loyalty and pride in his wife I found that he was willing to throw me and Christ under the bus for the sake of those who mentioned their offense at my faith …It is shocking to learn this …I think it belies his insecurity somehow in who he is .
He began to pursue ‘success’ and would buy the bling that demonstrates this …my mom observed his seeming need to display his developing rise in power with new cars …new homes…better things of all kinds….I did not comment …I felt he earned it …so he should enjoy some of the fruit of his labor.
I am reading a book presently called THE JUDAS SYNDROME by George K Simon Jr. It addresses CHARACTER deficiencies and how they effect us ….He also wrote on you probably have known of called “In Sheep’s Clothing ‘ which also addresses how character dysfunction effects peoples way of dealing with their lives in terms of manipulations and deceptions.
I am finding that first one very interesting in that it exposes and explains a lot about what I have been dealing with incredulously …it seems …we just do not want to learn that some people we love and trust are capable of such deceit ON PURPOSE!
Well “Live goes on’ …..There are many stories in the Big City ..and not all of them fit to print~
“not all fit to print.” -I like the way that you put that. Recycling old hurts often leaves us with yesterday’s garbage rather than give us hope or answers.
The bling is nice, yet when a man resorts to using it as the main way to show his love, he is at least waist deep in carnal living. They often use the physical as a way to deal with the physical. They do not have a clue that they need to use emotional and spiritual tools to deal with their issues, rather than trying to fix guilt they have over a physical act with more physical trinkets.
I hope you have a blessed Sunday.
Thank you Jeff….I will say that as time goes by …with each ‘swing ‘ the adversary takes I enjoy more and more the thought of my eternal destiny ! Enjoy your lovely wife and family ….a ‘workman’ IS indeed worthy of his hire! Men who sow righteousness especially in the heart of their wives will not regret it as I am sure you realize.
Happy holy living !
BTW ….your point about the way cheaters use ‘blind’ to soothe their conscience gives me cause to wonder just what he gave his OW apart from children , a luxery car, a new house , all the trimmings…He SAYS he never gave her jewelry , or sexy underwear …but wow…he gave her literal millions! So what’s up with that as they say !
Zaza,
I don’t think the devil is an idiot. I suspect that he is playing a ‘numbers’ game. The odds are that after a setback that most people will give up. When faced with discouragement many people just give up at that point rather than plowing through it. When people do plow through it, their story then pokes large holes in the ‘master plan’ by the chief prevaricator.
er “BLING”…typos are my ‘life’ heeeheeehee
🙂