Even though you live in a world where you are surrounded by plastic, styrofoam and artificial additives, that does not mean that you have to live that way in your marriage. Part of the problem is that you are so inundated with cheap marriage substitutes and ideas promoted by Hollywood that it is hard to tell the real thing from a cheap knock-off. A real marriage is one where you and your spouse make your relationship a priority. Not only is it a priority, it takes precedence over the other priorities and activities in your life. If your relationship is more about appearances than substance, you are living with a substitute.
Substitutes are often artificially enhanced. If your relationship depends on enhancements in order to function, you are living with a substitute. If you need outside distractions, toys and chemicals, you are likely living a substitute marriage.
If you are married to someone who is constantly fantasizing about someone else or admiring them, their heart is not with you. You are living with the shell and not the whole person. This is also a form of substitution, yet in this case, you are tolerating the substitution of part of your spouse instead of having the whole person.
The problem with substitutes, is that any part can be substituted for another one. This means that even you can be swapped out for a younger or flashier model. This is one of the dangers of substitutes. With a ‘real’ marriage, the two of you are bonded together. That bond is emotional, spiritual, physical and psychic. The two of you are connected. Any severing of such a connection or alteration of it will carry with it consequences. In a real marriage the two of you NEED each other.
I mention the substitution issue due to many marriages running into problems with affairs which are often progressions of the “Substitution” lifestyle. Even in the event of an affair, it is not too late to start making changes. With the new dynamics of the relationship, consider building in a policy of ‘accept no substitutes’.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
Dear DrJeff,
Beautiful…Just beautiful!
You have such a gift for putting in to words the things l have experienced for so very long!
Often, I read your posts and go: “Yes! That’s it! What I have been feeling!”, etc., but could not describe it or identify it.
Thank you so much for your constant thought to helping those of us on this most traumatic of journeys!
Just to update you and all our friends reading this blog, l am slowly de-stressing and feel so grateful for all the support I have received from you, as well as my personal friends and family. Thankfully, the situation l am in at the moment does not require me to worry about money or finding work immediately. I am still doing some office work for our family business via computer. Therefore, I am being able to take some time to unwind, enjoy my family & freinds here in TX and take some time to see where to place my next footstep.
Wish all who have this type of insanity in their life had the network of love and support I have! But, then again, a lot has to do with the fact that I have always valued wise friends and family and have maintained these relationships the best I could thru the years, in spite of the ‘narcisstic nincompoop’!
Take care! More another day……
Love to all………
How I appreciate when others here post . I feel sometimes like I am in an ‘echo chamber’ . I do not want to be a post ‘hog’ so I hope no one feels that I am doing so .
The thing is that as Sherri so beautifully expresses the thankfulness for your efforts here and the support of your lovely wife is willing to give support to your desire to help us all in our various ‘holes’ of despair, I am thankful for her posts when she gets on here.
I appreciate her comments and one in particular may explain why I am ON here often. I discovered my husband’s huge cheating right after moving in and moving to a new state.
I am pretty gregarious and friendly. I am a loyal friend to those I befriend. The thing is friendship sort of demands some sense of transparency in my thinking to bring about trust and closeness.
After D DAY it has nearly been impossible to get to the point of making any close friends. It is not that I do not enjoy people and love to have a social life . It is not for lack of trying to find a church . Both of these areas have been somewhat effected by the infidelity , my loyalty to my spouse and the simple fact that in addition to trust issues I just have little umph to get involved.
My daughters and I are taking some art lessons but even that seem very demanding at times. Starting a new discipline with the various issue hanging over us at present….the possibility of a selling and moving during such downswing….ugh ..some of our stuff has been in storage now for two years as we have faced an uncertainly of the necessity to move YET again …not because we desire and enjoy moving …it has been one bane in our lives for a very long time..
But the financial effects may require us to do so …ARGH ..it is like all of our lives are hanging in the balance of …well all of the variables resulting from adultery.
I have always said that perhaps we should have simply had a home on wheels. Face reality that we are indeed GYPSIES! ..
This kind of stress without any close relationships of family ,friends for any length plus experiences where people have deceived you who you have trusted ….many moves ..leaves us without any network of anyone.
I have been deceived by ministry heads in the past …close friends from high school who later in life were complicit with a kidnapping where I was hostage for nine days cross many states….and now this ….does it seem like I might have some trust issues with HUMANS?
I realize the Devil loves to pull the rug out from under us…especially believers…I DO know some maybe two who I can count on but I do not have the heart to tell them of the situation either. I am trying not to shoot my family in the foot especially since this news would greatly effect what income we still have any hope of shoring up our situation financially.
My mom used to say ‘When you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas!’
I have always given trust too easily without consideration for the ways the Word tells us to caution ..even and maybe especially those who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ.
This may be more true NOW than ever sadly
That does not negate the way the Lord has provided and protected me through all the many years following Him
I am having to get more serious about heeding the red flags and the way my gut works…
ALL my life I have been willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. I am learning who to do that with or not .
I love people, Love to make them laugh and extend mercy
I simply now find it very very difficult to trust my story to anyone who has ‘skin on’ in my life.
No parents living …an unbelieving brother who never misses an opportunity to zing Jesus Christ .
SO I hope this explains why I freely express myself here without sounding too whiny or self pitying .
I find it helpful to speak my mind and to hear any feedback that may come up.
Oh yes,,,I did go to a therapist at first ..it was expensive and I had the feeling that he was actually learning more from what I shared than I was benefiting from him…no fault of his ..maybe that was what was supposed to happen …but it as pricey …When my husband went he fell asleep during the sessions and we could see that as couple therapy was going to go on forever and we could not afford to continue …and the person was nice but not offering much in terms of dealing with adultery …we stopped.
I have been proactively studying and dealing as much as I can with all of what I have been learning ….so it is slow going.
I feel my husband must be uncomfortable enough with himself to cause him to seek out the things he must do but he is not moved to do so.
So I am continuing to simply grow through this …and share as I do with you all …Thanks for listening.