One of the quandaries that poses problems for me is “How to handle when cheaters marry”. Do you congratulate them? It always seems so artificial to congratulate someone on marrying someone who they have been having an affair with. When the married cheater was having their affair with another married cheater it only multiplies the problem exponentially. So now instead of one broken family, you have three. You have the two families they left and the new one they are creating. Each one is composed of broken and shattered lives.
I can’t find it in my heart to congratulate them since any well wishes are often twisted to be an approval of what they are doing. When you wish them well, they interpret as that you are “ok” with what they are doing. Some cheaters manage to make their marriages work. Sadly, their family is always a shell of what it could have been. The combining of broken families together in such a way amounts to putting together a team of losers and hoping for a winning season. A metaphor would be that they come up to bat with a two strikes against them without having taken a swing. They can make it, yet they already have the idea that when the going gets tough, you can just “quit” in their hearts and minds. Trying to work things out when it would be easier to quit is often a hard mindset to overcome.
It would be one thing if they had worked at healing their marriage or had repented of what they had done. When the cheaters view what they did as ‘natural’ and normal, viewing their illicit relations as something as natural as eating, it makes matters even worse. In such cases, they are bringing hard hearted-ness into a relationship where you need sensitivity and receptivity.
Of course once they are married, they feel like all is right. At that point they want your support. When faced with such dilemmas, I am often forced to support their marriage, since I believe in marriage. Such situations still feel like being blackmailed to me. I pray for them, hope for the best and help them keep their relationship together. The world does not need another broken family, it is already filled with multitudes of emotionally wounded and broken souls.
If you are in such a situation, it is my hope that you have the wherewithal to stick with it and make it work. Do all you can to avoid repeating the pattern of affairs. Those old habits are hard to break. I hope that you also understand the weird twist and moral compromising that you are forcing on those around you as well. You want them to understand and accept your new marriage, you will also need to understand the position you have put others in, especially children. Your marriage will represent a massive compromise in values that is hard to overcome. If you expect them to listen to you address morals, ethics and relationship issues…you have lost your position of authority and face a tough challenge.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
9 Responses
Well I agree with you …this is more and more the effort of the world to ‘normalize’ sin.
It is destructive always.
Children of ‘blended families’ are taught that sinful behavior is “acceptable” if enough people agree to it.
The idea that sin is to be identified, exposed and dealt with according to the lover of our souls has been long past being respected or even known by most.
Families of generations of those formed from adultery have proliferated to the point that an intact family is now considered ODD!
Repentance is no longer heard from in most pulpits . It is a sad and dark day indeed.
However the hopeful aspect is that God tells us in His word that these indicate the closer coming of the Lord who will come when His time of waiting and long suffering due to His wanting people to come to Him is up.
People are rather brash and bold in their disregard for what GOD has given us in order for us to enjoy a life that is within the protection of His will.
There is little interest in spending time and focus upon the WORDS of GOD even in many churches were feel good doctrines of man and demons seem to be the going fare.
There truly is nothing new under the sun as the OT has given ample examples for those of us upon whom the ends of the age have come!
Recently as yesterday a good student of the scriptures has passed into eternity . Dave Hunt of Berean Call has ‘left ‘ this mortal coil but not before sharing many of his findings as he began to see the creeping doctrines that now have flooded many seeker friendly churches. Dave’s work is only part of what some have begun to publish as the various seductive spiritual offerings have entered in and been passing for Biblical truth among those who do not know the scriptures from their own study and pursuit.
It is good to read encouragements of others who have attested to the truths of the Word …not to take them at their word but to utilize their findings in then seeking out more understanding and verification from the Word itself .
The marriage of people who are not widowed is a HUGE problem in today’s culture as it seems in the eyes of those who desire to cheat yet another ‘testimony’ to their idea that cheating and remarriage does not hurt the children.
In our case I recalled that my husband’s sports buddy’s dad had a very young wife and young child. I did not think much of it at the time …I guess I was too enthralled with my husband to think about it . That man became one of my husband’s heroes and bosses when he was in high school and college. So along with all the other apparent ‘endorsements” of our culture as to why cheating sometimes works out ‘ and ‘children of blended families turn out OK” this man’s influence very much added to my husband ‘s thinking about how things would ‘work out’ should his adultery and the children of it be found out!
He told me that when he had those children he figured OUR children might be great influences on them! That somehow OUR children would take them under their wing and ‘raise’ them …since ours were raised in respect to the Word of GOD !
Well I do not doubt that our children WOULD be great influences upon other children but this is almost beyond belief that he could think OUR children would not be at all disturbed and go on taking those kids in like nothing happened! The pain he caused me and our children though they are adults is far from healed .
This is not to say our children are not forgiving and continuing to live life and love the Lord but along with the dynamic of this …there is the other that he did not factor in …That is the HATRED that the OW has for me and our children and her unstable way of living life!
He says that I am the one that is unwilling to interact but that seems to be HIS view …I remind him of the effort I have made to reach out to the OW …with no response…at the first …desiring to extend to her the opportunity to talk with me and address her sin …..I also went with him at HIS request to their house and sat in the car to facilitate making me available to the children IF THEY were comfortable with meeting me ..they were not …and soon after he was informed in no uncertain terms that he was NOT to bring me anywhere near their home….you know..the home WE pay for !
So I am just as fine with this …I feel getting involved with such a person is not wise.
I pray for the children …send them things which I told my husband HE should tell them are from him so that the kids will be able to enjoy them and keep them.
He said at times he has bought things for the children …like a computer for the boy and their mom took it away and took it back to the store…
I feel that those who blend their families out of adultery are putting too much pressure on their children to accept a sinful choice.
Sorry for me it is simply ignoring the seriousness of the act …and it disregards the holiness of what marriage is .
I know that many people would be very uncomfortable with this scenario …I know I would be in terms of ‘blessing ‘ a couple in this situation …it is all over now all around us …it is awkward that people put others in such difficult positions …It is not so difficult perhaps because few have enough knowledge or concern about what GOD has set in his word to be bothered by it .
If I were in this position I think I would try not to say anything …that is a tough one I guess…but I have my children as my first concern as to what they see me endorse,
ALSO we are told as those who follow Christ to avoid even the hint of immorality because it is not only encouraging others to take a low view of marriage and truth but it gives a form of tacit approval for something that is very damaging to people and society as well.
It weakens the effects of the truth of God when those who love Him and claim His name do not conduct themselves with concern for HIM and HIS reputation FIRST before concern for people who would delight in license.
Sometimes the only sermon others see is that of the way those who truly follow the Lord conduct themselves.
That is not to say we are responsible for others disregard for the Bible….but we do have some influence upon their attitudes .
Jesus walked perfectly and still people who observed him did not believe.
Giving no offense 2 Cor 6….
Act 5:29 Then Peter and the [other] apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men.
This is yet another aspect of selfishness that is commonplace in today’s society ….tolerance is DEMANDED …Following Christ indeed puts the HEAT to our souls!
Zaza,
Blended families often ‘normalize’ behaviors without intending to. Many times the couple are seeking love and a family atmosphere. Blended families that result from deaths or tragic events do not have the same impact as those formed out of choice on in the most tragic, the consummation/outcome of an affair. When those families are lifted up as trophies and examples after having been spawned by an affair, it hurts society as a whole. My post was driven by having to face that situation within my own family for the THIRD time. It astounds me that what should have been plan ‘B’ is often touted in churches and communities as ‘ideal’ to their own detriment. When families are destroyed by an affair, turning around and marrying the man/woman you had an affair with may make reduce the guilt, but the curse and destruction it brings is multi-generational.
WOW….I am so sorry that your life has had to endure THREE of these kinds of things…seems like sometimes believers are on the ‘bulls eye’ eh? Thankfully you took the situation and have decided to make some “lemonade” in the form of helping others in pain from such travesties…THANKS again and thank God ….
I think the Devil is such an idiot …you would think after so many centuries of plying his ‘trade ‘ against those God loves …that is MAN who is made in God’s IMAGE….that he would get the clue that we are prone to recover and come back stronger for the sake of the gospel eh?
You GO Bro!
Adulterous marriages should never be tolerated or condoned. It’s not a real marriage, all they did was legalize their adultery, period.
If anything I would pray that they return to their original spouses.
John the Baptist didn’t tell Herod, “Oh, it’s okay, you’re married to Herodias, your brother’s wife, now, God hates divorce.” Nope. He said that it was NOT LAWFUL for him to have her!
Alexandra,
Thank you for sharing your comments. Adulterous marriages are a problems that many families have to deal with. Whether or not they should have happened, the reality is that it happened, and now they have to deal with the situation. You are correct in your position. Whether through deception, fear, disregard of God’s law, ignorance or just plain fleshly living, many people do marry cheaters.
In writing the post, I was wanting to warn people about the danger of this. Many people feel sorry for the cheater and marry them anyway, to their own hurt. it is painful to see when this happens. It is even more painful when they marry a cheater out of deception, thinking that their spouse is something other than what they really were.
Although I don’t encourage or condone it, when it happens, those people need help. They are looking for real answers rather than just being told what they did wrong. They often know what they did wrong at that point, they want to know what to do about it.
I look forward to hearing more from you.
If you’re in an adulterous (non-covenant) marriage (an “affairage” as Dr. Willard Harley calls it), you need to break it off, and this means going through legal channels (divorce). Divorce does not end a covenant marriage; that is only breakable by death of one of the spouses.
Here’s an excellent site addressing that issue: http://www.cadz.net/mdr.html
Alexandra,
Thank you for sharing that insight on ‘affairage’. I have read much of Dr. Harley’s material and respect his opinions. Covenant marriages are a serious matter that many people, both churched and un-churched do not fully grasp. If they did, there would be radical changes in how the issue of divorce, remarriage and marriage itself are dealt with.
Anyone who says a “second marriage†is NOT ADULTERY is calling God a liar!
Jesus said: “My sheep hear My voice.†John 10:27
This is what His voice said:
“Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.â€
–Jesus Christ
ADULTERY: Having sex with someone who is NOT your spouse.
Jesus said: Anyone who marries a divorced person is having sex with someone who is NOT their spouse.
“Thou shall not commit adultery.†Exodus 20:14
“The man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul.†Proverbs 6:32
“Adulterers…will not inherit the Kingdom of God.†1 Corinthians 6:9
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.†Hebrews 13:4
“A husband must not divorce his wife.†1 Corinthians 7:11
“The Lord God All-Powerful of Israel hates anyone who is cruel enough to divorce his wife.†Malachi 2:16
“The Lord was witness to the covenant made at your marriage.†Malachi 2:14
“For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God.†Romans 14:10
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives.†1 Corinthians 7:39
The bond of marriage ends with death. Romans 7:2-3
Jesus calls remarriage after a divorce ADULTERY because–DEATH frees you–NOT divorce!
“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.†1 Corinthians 7:39
“For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. So then, if she marries another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries another man.†Romans 7:2-3
Divorce does NOT make you single again.
When a state court gives you final divorce papers that say:
THEY DISSLOVED YOUR MARRIAGE.
Don’t believe it!
God says something different.
Jesus said, if you touch another person (remarry) AFTER you get those final divorce papers you are committing adultery.
My husband divorced me.
I believe what God says.
“A wife is married to her husband as long as he lives.†1 Corinthians 7:39
Signed,
A Divorced Woman (The man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery)
TRUE LOVE WARNS!
Must Hear Sermon–Divorce in the Church:
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=1090612628
LB,
Thank you for writing. You are absolutely correct in your assessment. It often breaks my heart how many of today’s churches and pastors are not standing firm on this. I am not a preacher, yet I imagine it breaks God’s heart as well. We are warned about such acts in order to keep us from even greater problems. Even fewer churches and pastors dare study or address the consequences and penalties for adultery. If they did, I imagine it would scare them silly. Anyone who has been remarried after divorcing knows that it brings MORE problems, not less.
Divorce has become a commodity. It is now another product that is bought and sold in the marketplace. The decision of the courts merely changes the ground rules and decide how the property gets distributed. In my mind, the courts do not have the authority nor the wisdom to know how to end a marriage. From studying divorce through the ages, the courts took it over from the churches, because they wanted a say-so in questions about property (Since my blog is about affairs, I won’t go into my own diatribe on this matter). I can understand your passions on this matter. Having grown up in a divorced family, I have seen first-hand many of these issues.
Besides breaking my heart, I also find hope, in that people can turn and repent from such actions. They can be healed and restored. It is true that God hates divorce and hates adultery. Fortunately there is healing and hope around this issue as well. There is hope for the betrayed, the cheater and the lover. They can turn from what they have done and start doing right. When divorce and remarriage become part of the equation, it makes recovery and healing more challenging. It limits what can be done, it does not eliminate healing, it just becomes MUCH harder that it would have been otherwise.
Best Regards,
Jeff