There are many reasons for couples getting back together after an affair. Some of the reasons are healthy and some sound healthy but in reality are dysfunctional.
On the surface, the reasons sound good, yet when it comes to practicality and everyday challenges, it’s actually dysfunctional. These kind of situations do a number on your head since they sound better than they are.
Take for instance the husband who told his wife “I really love you and was hoping we would be happy again.” Loving your spouse is a good start. What takes things in a dysfunctional direction is the last part of his statement.
“Hoping we would be happy again” is a phrase that concerns me. It concerns me for two reasons.
First, when you make the emotional state of happiness a goal in your marriage, you’re asking for trouble. Happiness is good when it’s a by-product of a functional marriage.
When you make happiness your main goal, it dooms your marriage to chasing an emotional high. Whether or not you have a ‘good’ marriage is measured by happiness at that point.
There may be moments you achieve that ‘high’, but it’s not an emotional state that can be maintained. It’s like an addict chasing after their next high.
In my Affair Recovery Workshop, I point out that happiness isn’t a good goal for your marriage. A marriage focused on happiness is always chasing after the next happening or event that gives you the buzz.
Second, his talking about happiness in past tense suggests that he wants things to be ‘like they were before’. He’s chasing after some past experience he’s hoping will be replicated.
On the surface his words are smooth, yet they point their marriage in a dysfunctional direction. Efforts at recreating what once was are doomed for failure.
In this case, the wife fell for what he told her. It led to a disastrous outcome. She wanted to believe him so badly, she violated one of the four requirements for trust I share in the trust formula. In violating it, she jumped into the relationship again before it was safe.
If you’re struggling with the desire to reconcile, but aren’t sure whether you can trust them again, now’s a good time for downloading the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”
Rather than chasing after dysfunctional goals, you can instead be working on developing a solid foundation for your marriage relationship, with new goals and direction.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
