Francis Bacon once stated that “Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience. ” Over the years, there are many lessons I’ve learned from traveling and more in meditating over those experiences.
There are some experiential lessons that as a counselor, I’m supposed to ‘know’, yet having head knowledge is very different than experiential knowledge. Travel has a way of putting knowledge into practice. Once episode where my travels taught me that, is what I call “Looking for Peter” in Amsterdam.
I’m supposed to know about basic needs and secondary needs. Although I had the intellectual knowledge, when my own head is hurting with a migraine coming on, I’m cold and completely out of my element, I have other priorities. I was not a pleasant, understanding or loving person at that moment.
Although I arranged for a place to stay in the city, on arriving, my contact, named “Peter”, was out of town. So during freezing weather, under overcast skies, while experiencing jet lag and a migraine, I go searching through the streets of Amsterdam looking for “Peter”. I had no place to stay, didn’t speak the language, and was not in the mood for socializing.
I didn’t care about the architecture, the sites or the history at that point. I wanted to find Peter, so that I had a place to stay, so I could lay down, rest and do something about my migraine. Eventually we found someone who knew who Peter was at a place called the “Magic Time Machine”. She was a musician named Jerusa. To my surprise, she informed us that he was in Indonesia. I panicked. How was I going to get into my rental when the man I needed was in Indonesia?
Along the way, my family and I met some wonderful people, like the musician Jerusa, who eventually helped us resolve the situation, along with being a talented performer. She listened to our situation with calmness. She pointed out that the man I needed was not Peter, but someone else named Marlon. I was looking for the wrong person. The whole time I was looking for Peter, I was looking for the wrong person.
In a similar way, when your marriage and identity are threatened by the specter of an affair, you are not at your best. When your basic needs are threatened, your priorities change. You may be a warm, loving person, yet when the most intimate of relationships is threatened, it changes your world. That confident, warm, loving version of you is replaced with the clone from hell. When your basic needs are being threatened, you react to those.
When you’re hurting, wounded and in pain, you look at the world differently. You don’t see much to be happy about. You’re unable to see anything wonderful or amazing at that point. You may even be looking for a Peter you think will solve your problem. While you are stuck on looking for your Peter, it could be that the person that has the solution may not be Peter at all.
I thought Peter was the only person who could help us. It blinded me to any Jerusa who was actually able to listen and help sort through my situation. Your pain is blinding you to seeing solutions to your situation, like my migraine kept me from seeing solutions. When you’re in pain, the obvious is not so obvious.
If your pain and circumstances are keeping you from seeing the obvious or from moving forward in your recovery from the shock of an affair, you need the “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” video. Your own pain may be keeping you from seeing solutions that are right in front of you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
But if one is married, it’s pretty obvious that sex with other people is wrong. I always fall back to its related to character or lack of. There are two people in a marriage. Both after years have pain etc….. one chose to have an affair one did not. It’s not pain related it’s character flaws!
David,
Thank you for sharing that. Your comment “It’s not pain related, it’s character flaws!” is worth noting. It’s often when people are in pain, you see elements of their character that are normally ‘hidden’. The choices one makes, even in pain reveal a great deal.
In my case, I was irritable and grouchy. Although I was irritable on the outside, I strove to be congenial on the outside. After meeting Jerusa, we struck up a conversation. It was in that conversation, I learned about the situation with Peter and found some solutions. It was as if the solution had been their in front of me, I just had to calm down and see things from a different perspective. As we talked, she made some calls and helped me sort things out. She was tremendously helpful and I remain grateful for it. She told me she was a musician, although I had no idea how big a one she was.
I could have reacted differently. I could have made threats, been the ‘ugly American’ and complain about the inefficiency of how they do things in other countries, how incompetent they were and how we do things better in America, etc. Had I done that, it may have alienated any cooperation.
Had another side of my character come out in my moment of pain, the outcome would have been different.
When one is married and in pain, the first choice should be talking about that pain with your spouse. You can’t solve problems you are not aware of (at least not easily). When you know about them you can do something about them.
I whole-heartedly agree with you that a spouse having sex with other people is a choice. The more times it happens, the more choice is a factor. There are situations where someone is seduced, but when it happens a second time, choice is involved.
Choice is also a factor when a spouse chooses not to discuss the affair. Even when the affair may have questionable origins, a choice is made whether or not to discuss it. Choices are made regarding what information they with hold from you.
Jeff