Once upon a time, there was a young psychologist named Dorothy. Dorothy enjoyed helping people and learning. She was a hard worker, curious, and had an insatiable thirst for knowledge.
In her efforts at helping people, she conducted interviews with volunteers about how they fell in love. She ended up interviewing about 500 people.
What she learned from those people she put into a book about love and relationships. She promoted a new term called ‘limerance’. (You can always sell more books when you come up with a new word or theory). She spent years writing the book.
The book was a best seller and people from around the world started using her techniques based on the opinions of 500 people. Those 500 fans are now dictating what many believe about limerence.
Since she had connections in the publishing world, her book sold in many places. Readers liked what she wrote since she suggested that you can’t control who you fall in love with.
She suggested that you don’t control who you fall in love with because it was something chemical. That’s why she came up with the word limerance, which is love + infatuation.
Readers heard what they wanted to hear.
Now readers had ‘scientific proof’ that their lusting after others was normal since she was a ‘psychologist’. Since an ‘expert’ said what they wanted to hear, they believed her.
She said that the crush you get on others and the desire to be with them was totally ‘involuntary’. (It was something outside of your control).
Her ideas sold plenty of books. Who wouldn’t like a book like one that says you can lust after whoever you want because you can’t control yourself or your lusting.
She even came up with a new name for this involuntary phenomenon.
She called it ‘limerence’. Limerence sounded more scientific than having a ‘crush’, lust or puppy love. Her ideas were popular with those who wanted to believe that they couldn’t control who they lusted after or their desire to ‘have them’.
Her ideas became popular with those looking for an excuse for their lack of self-discipline when it comes to relationships.
She gave people permission to be promiscuous and lust for others. She said it was a normal process and you shouldn’t feel guilty about your desires.
This psychologist believed that limerence is something involuntary, which made her popular with those who wanted an excuse for their lack of self-discipline when it comes to relationships.
It even gave them a name for what they did. They could blame everything on ‘limerence’ since it was involuntary (outside of their control or ability to control).
Cheaters can now blame limerence for one-night stands, hook-ups, and hookers. They escape by blaming ‘limerance’.
Her ideas sold plenty of books. Now they can blame their sexual promiscuity on limerance since it was outside their control, and ‘science’ said so.
They could indulge in irresponsible behavior and blame it on something that sounded scientific. They could say “I couldn’t control myself” and do it filled with sincerity and honesty.
When your spouse tells you “I couldn’t control myself” are you going to believe them?
It makes for quite a fairy story. One where you can indulge in wild fantasies without accountability. It adds fuel to the fiery passion of cheaters.
In my experience, voluntary choices are made with affairs. Choices are made about who to have the affair with, who they lust after, how they feed into their lustful fantasies along with how cheaters put themselves in vulnerable positions.
Attributing their choices to lust and involuntary actions only gives them an excuse for the affair that lessens their guilt.
Choices are made in how they deal with temptations. Giving a cheater the excuse that their reactions are “involuntary” amounts to giving them permission to cheat.
When you’re tired of the fairy stories, lies, and excuses surrounding the affair, there are things you can do. Change is possible. A place to start making changes is in having accountability when it comes to triggers, lust, and high-risk situations.
In going through affair recovery, you need an Affair relapse prevention plan. You also need a clear understanding of how the cheater deals with temptations.
In the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse”, I cover these issues and more. When you download the video and start taking the recommended actions, you can stop falling for the cheater’s ploys and games.
When you quit believing that the cheater can’t help it, you help them and yourself.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
