Do you want your marriage healed? Although this sounds like something that you obviously want, you need to seriously ask yourself this question.
Let’s assume that you want your marriage healed. The next question that matters is whether you’re willing to do the work of addressing the issues needing attention.
The harsh truth is that laziness is a major reason for many couples not surviving an affair. You may not have ever considered it before, yet that doesn’t change this reality.
The psychiatrist Richard P. Fitzgibbons summed it up well when he pointed out that some couples “do not want to engage in the hard work of addressing personality conflicts which can be resolved.”
You may want your marriage healed, yet avoid doing the work involved. You’d rather that the medications or the therapist ‘fix it’.
Healing your marriage requires effort in overcoming the conflicts and issues leading to the affair in the first place.
One way this avoidance shows up is in going to a marriage counselor with the expectation of them doing all the work. It’s up to you to do the marital work, not them. In fact, one study found that couples going to marriage counseling are 2-3 times more likely to divorce than those who don’t.
There are various reasons for this. One is going into counseling with the expectation that the counselor will ‘heal’ your marriage. They can help you and your spouse see what needs work, but it’s going to be up to the both of you working in fixing the problems.
Part of the work requires honesty about what’s really going on. One couple, let’s call them Judy and Don. They weren’t getting along and wanted their marriage improved’.
They wondered why they had marital problems. In hopes of making things better, Judy and Don came to me for help.
They came to the sessions regularly, yet omitted telling me that they agreed before each session what topics would be avoided including their foray into swinging.
They sat in the parking lot outside my office and planned what topics would be avoided. By making these plans, they hid important areas from being discovered.
Although their visits to swinger clubs created problems for them, they avoided even the slightest mention of it.
They actively sabotaged their counseling and wanted to blame me for not ‘fixing’ their marriage relationship. They weren’t willing to do the word of addressing the real problems of hiding the secret parts of their marriage.
They wanted to avoid embarrassment, shame and dealing with the real issues. They ended up damaging their own marriage all going back to their not wanting to do the hard work.
It was only after their marriage failed that Judy revealed to me their duplicity and manipulations. She continued working on herself and making improvements in her life.
I’ll be honest with you. Recovering from the affair requires effort. Downloading the “Affair Recovery Workshop” is only the beginning. Once you download it, there are things you need to do beyond just watching it.
There’s work involved. If you want results without effort, the Affair Recovery Workshop isn’t for you. On the other hand, if you want your marriage healed and are willing to do ‘what it takes’, you’ll know what to do with the workshop.
So instead of just talking about healing your marriage, the time has come for you to do something about it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
