The other day, I received an email from someone going through affair recovery. The author wrote, “Two years ago I discovered he was having multiple affairs and dabbling in massage parlors, chat lines, swingers clubs etc. I was shocked because there was no overt signs in any way .”
Her quandary is not unique. Many of you didn’t find overt signs until you couldn’t ignore the overwhelming evidence.
Some of you only found the warning signs after you discovered the affair. At those times you’re tempted call yourself ‘stupid’ and start emotionally beating yourself up.
There are many reasons for not seeing evidence of affairs. When you’re in love with someone, you want to think the best of them. You assume the best and give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s natural to ignore signs and make excuses for their behavior.
Also, the person having the affair may be intentionally deceptive in order to hide it from you. They might cover up with elaborate lies or use gaslighting techniques to explain away any discrepancies.
If they hadn’t betrayed you up to that point, you had no basis for distrusting them. Without suspecting betrayal, you weren’t looking for any indications.
It would be nice if spouses were upfront and honest about other relationships. It would make recovery from the affair much clearer and easier.
That also raises the questions of “If they had been upfront and honest, could you have handled it?” and “How would you have reacted to them if they’d been upfront and honest?”
Not many spouses can sit down and hear accounts of that kind of betrayal without being shocked. In a few moments, you suddenly discover a whole other side to your spouse and a whole other world you didn’t know existed.
Being shocked is part of your body’s adjustment to the new revelations. It’s as if someone took your old spouse and replaced them with another one.
For those of you going through recovery, don’t beat yourself up for not seeing the signs or for being shocked when you found out. It’s completely reasonable to feel that way and it’s part of the healing process. The important thing is to recognize what happened and move forward with a plan to recover from the hurtful situation.
You have to consider what shocked you the most. Was it that it was kept secret? Was it because they lied to you?
Was it because it is so different from the version of them you know? Was it because you didn’t want to see any hints at another version up until that point?
The greater the incongruence between the two versions, the greater your shock will be. Your safe and predictable world no longer exists.
If you have a family history that includes trauma, you may have a harder time adjusting than others do. This is due to the tendency of traumatic events to bleed over into previous ones.
Those previous traumas may have also contributed to you not seeing any approaching dangers. Traumas have a way of keeping you from seeing other traumas or potential traumas.
The shocking news also changes your assumptive world. What you thought you knew, you really didn’t.
If you are struggling with trauma related to an affair, there is help. In the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma“, you’ll learn ways of moving past news that you didn’t want to hear. Just click and download the video.
Within minutes you can be working on moving past the shock. Instead of staying stuck in the pain, you can start moving past it and regain your mind and emotions.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
