When Paige and Tom came in for help, they told me it was for “Communication problems.” It is a common complaint and sometimes an accurate one.
Yet, as I dug deeper into their complaints, I felt Paige was often trying to tell Tom her needs and he wasn’t listening. The two of them would then get into a battle over whose “truth” was right. Each of them were speaking their truth while not hearing what the other was saying.
If that happened early enough in the day it could mean trouble for the rest of the day.
The more important issue seemed to be that she wanted him to listen to her rather than argue about whose truth was correct.
Tom complained that Paige would jump all over him with accusations, especially when she didn’t like something he did or said. He believed his intentions were good but he sometimes got it wrong by mistake or ignorance on some matter.
The more common example is when Paige complained that ‘he’ didn’t communicate. Wives make a point of using a pronoun and placing an emphasis on it as if that makes her complaint more legitimate.
In expressing herself that way, she comes across as complaining more than identifying a real issue.
Although I’ve discussed it before, this issue is so foundational to relationships that it bears repeating. When you are dealing with a basic issue, it’s worth getting right.
The great basketball coach Johnny Wooden made it a point of starting his coaching with covering the basics with such things as how to put on socks and tie shoes correctly. He knew that getting the basics right makes a difference.
In the case of relationships, communication is always going on. There may not be words and discussions, but that doesn’t mean there’s a lack of communication. They may just not ‘like’ what is being communicated.
Keep in mind that ‘energy’ is a form of communication. The energy or ‘vibes’ you sense from your spouse is a form of communication.
Even when they are not verbally expressing themselves, they’re still communicating. What happens is that one spouse is not listening or tuning into the energy.
It’s not surprising that listening is such an issue. With all the distractions around you, it makes tuning in or listening hard to do.
You may not like the energy you’re picking up on. Even when you don’t like it, the reality is that something is being communicated. Even when you’re not listening with your ears, your body senses the energy.
It also senses on whether you are being open or closed to discussing the current topic. Your non-verbals actions speak volumes.
As a couple, the two of you will sync up and get on the same energy level. That energy frequency will either be yours or theirs. You face the choice of which one you tune into.
The point is that communication problems are actually ‘listening’ problems.
In the download, “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I address communication in more detail. Improving communication in your marriage involves ‘tuning in’ to your spouse.
I’ll show you ways for the two of you to better tune into and be aware of each other. If you’re looking for better ways expressing yourself, you are in the wrong place.
If, on the other hand you want better ways of connecting with your spouse, and tuning into each other, you are in the right place.
Keep in mind that Ludwig Beethoven was deaf. He never heard his ninth symphony. Instead he felt it and sensed it through vibrations. He knew what he created by knowing its energy. He never heard the symphony, only the vibrations it produced. It is worth noting that many music experts consider this his greatest work, even though he never heard it.
Likewise, there are ways of connecting with your spouse that aren’t limited to your words or their words.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
(BTW, Beethoven’s birthday is later this month)
