Affairs are often not the in and out relationships of movies and romance novels. Even sites like Ashley Madison portray them as a way of adding fun and excitement in the same immediate gratifying manner of microwaves and televisions.
Most affairs are not that way. If you want a taste of real affairs, you may want to read a few of the entries at “Shes A Homewrecker”. Those entries start giving you the real story.
Affairs are not the glamorized events Hollywood gives you. You can turn off the affair and ‘all is well’. The lover often does everything to keep the affair going.
You need to realize that whether your focal point is on the cheater or the lover, the reality is that if it is easy to get into someone’s pants, chances are they are dysfunctional already.
When people are emotionally stable, they have boundaries. They have standards that draw lines on how far relationships should go.
There are some cases where healthy people are intoxicated to the point where they have little to no self-control. When an affair happens in those cases, you are dealing with an exploitative relationship. The relationship did not start on a healthy basis and likely will not end on one.
In the cases where the two parties hook up based on the ‘magic’ or sexual chemistry, there is often great intensity since there are little to no boundaries. These relationships are not healthy ones given the way they start.
What often becomes the big problem with these relationships is ‘ending’ them. When people have little to no sense of boundaries, they do not accept the ending of the relationship. They feel connected to their lover. The lover feels connected to them. Even when efforts are made to ‘end’ the affair, they do not want to let go.
These kind of lovers are prone to stalking. They want to posses their lover. Although it was easy to get into their pants, it is not so easy to get them out of your life. They often resort to using any way they can think of to keep the connection alive and not let the lover go. Psychotic lovers are not easy to get away from.
These obsessed lovers may stalk you with the internet, try to steal your identity, or even perform stake outs on your home. They are not content with being told “good bye”. They found a connection and they are not about to let that connection go.
Even the Bible talks about these kind of lovers which use traps and games to form emotional chains and the struggle involved in freeing oneself from them. The problem is that when they trap your spouse, it becomes your problem as well.
For these kinds of lovers, stalking is a way of keeping the affair alive. They often play the odds and hope that over time, they will wear down resistance to them. For them, the connection to their lover (the cheater) is part of their identity.
In their mind, they and the cheater are one. You may even hear this in their conversation in the form of frequent use of “we” and “us”. Besides being a term of connection, they also mean the possessive aspect of those terms as well. “We” and “Us” means that “you belong with me and to me”.
When you hear the lover use such terms, it should activate a warning light in your head that there is trouble ahead.
If you cheated and need help starting recovery from an affair, the video “Help for the Cheater” gives you what you need to get started.
Best Regards,
Jeff
