While walking my dogs, I often talk with the neighbors I encounter along the way. One of the neighbors I enjoy talking with works as an arson investigator. Jim has been an arson investigator for years and is well respected in his field.
I find it fascinating how he is able to identify how a fire started when sifting through piles of charred remains. With his many years of experience in dealing with the many kinds of fires, he has learned what to look for along with where to look. In hearing his stories, I am intrigued at how the mystery is solved. Perhaps that goes back to my own early fascination with the stories of Sherlock Holmes.
Jim explores how fires began and also looks into the motivations behind the fires. He even uses a specially trained dog who only obeys commands in French. With fires, knowing the motivation makes a big difference in looking into the criminal and legal aspects of things.
In all of Jim’s stories, there is never one where he is called out to fire scene to put out the fire. He is always called in afterwards to find out about the origin. I imagine that if he tried investigating a fire while is was still raging would be counter-productive.
In a similar way, you will find it counter-productive investigating the reasons for the affair while it is still going on, or while your marriage is still on the rocks. You need to put out the fire before you investigate things. You need to focus on your fixing your marriage before investigating all the ins and outs of the affair.
I have talked with some of you who have spent hours and read through volumes trying to identify “What kind of affair” your spouse had and then trying to pigeon hole them into the descriptions given by some expert. At the very time you need to be doing things to improve communication with your spouse, you are instead spending your time investigating a relationship like an armchair quarterback and throwing accusations at your spouse about what they are thinking and feeling.
You may have even told them what kind of affair they had and what kind of cheater they are. You may feel like you have accomplished a great deal figuring that out, while at the same time, both you and your spouse are dying inside from not talking to each other.
If you are wanting your marriage to heal, you need to put out the fire first. You need to re-connect with your spouse, you need to open up communication with them BEFORE you start your investigation into the hows and whys of the affair. The time for investigation and analysis comes when the two of you are working together to find answers, not while the conflicts are raging and the affair is still active.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
Fascinating friend you have there…I wonder what his skills would discern in contemplating some of the clients you deal with.
I think your advice is sound …IF the spouse is inclined to open up in the first place.
From the beginning of our marriage…my husband began his ‘quest’ to live his life as much as possible in an independent frame of mind.
How is it Jesus put is …’your lip draw nigh but your heart is far from me’
My husband spent a good portion of his time making independent plans for himself and me and then more and more for himself and others …sometimes including me but in his work realm he was not enthusiastic about sharing with me or sharing me with his office culture.
He did indeed spend considerable time and thought to create an approachable , open door policy in order to form an office culture much like he had when he was involved in professional sports teams. His employees and fellow executives LOVED HIM.
Much thought, energy , time and money went into investing in building his business and associations with others. His real ‘home’ was his office and his real ‘family’ were those who he worked and played with out of that realm.
I have not known such disregard for a ‘friendship’ of all those whom I have had the pleasure to know and associate with in my career and ministry. This man so deliberately created a false front in our relationship and eventually became hostile should I have asked anything about what is common shared information in what marriage is.
He was more engaged and generous with his SELF among those who were outside his marriage and family . Often much more considerate and thoughtful with others as well….maybe the price was right….as scripture says …
1Ti 6:5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.
1Ti 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.
Being shut out of the personal thoughts and plans of your spouse is very hurtful…it fosters insecurity and self loathing …and this was odd since I had not had this kind of rejection from friends and fellow believers I had known for many years.
I cannot imagine anyone realizing that my husband was capable of treating me with this kind of dismissal.
How did I stay engaged and love my husband through so many years some may wonder. I considered my own faults and gave much benefit of the doubt. I remembered how difficult is can be to go to work day after day and work long hours…even when you love what you do …it is admirable and respectable.
However I began to realize my husband’s ‘real ‘ life and love was anywhere away from his home. ….and me …
If he had shared any offenses with me, we might have worked things out ..but even when I sensed something like he was offended or vexed he would never discuss with me…I would offer to ask forgiveness but he would just say there was nothing wrong.
His one objection he had was that he had heard from people we would me that I talked too much about Jesus …yet people with whom I spoke were very capable of putting an end to any discussion easily …grown ups!
That it was a topic of importance in my life was no mystery before we married….I was actively serving in ministry and even before that was prone to share freely about my faith and what the Lord had been teaching me.
Eventually some of those with whom I did answer questions about what I was learning …and believing …I learned came to know the Lord ..some years later.
Planting a seed is what believers are called to do …and it is really only and offence to those who fear men and are not as concerned about learning the way Jesus Christ would want us to learn to live.
Anyway …I learned from my lengthy searching the scriptures that those who love the world and prefer the pleasures of sin do not appreciate being around anyone that has the light of the Lord living in them …it is not even a matter of speaking up with His Words…the spirit that they obey is opposed to the Lord and His spirit which lives in those who love Him.
The way we began , indicated he loved the Lord too …but with marriage and the demand marriage makes …the REALITY of what are the responsibilities of a man to curb is ‘shopping ‘ mentality and craving to suit himself ..are quite a ‘wake up call’ to men who have been raised to think marriage is nothing more than adding a woman on to his independent identity.
With this kind of attitude my husband did not feel any need to learn how to love his wife…or how to protect his affection and perception of me as ‘separate’ and ‘holy’ unto him only.
As the culture proceeds to emphasize more that the aim of sex is consumerism….self gratification…there is less appreciation and satisfaction as more partners are ‘accumulated’ .
I just heard a commentary regarding the present trend of cyber connecting and it’s effects upon men’s perception of women….and women’s surrendering to the hopeless state of having to content themselves as only one of a ‘herd’.
Cultures of this kind have resorted to behaving like ‘beasts’ even as scripture identifies men apart from God as ‘beasts’ ….body and soul but spiritually defiled and dead by following the appetites without knowledge or understanding.
My husband cut me out little by little until he was direct about his ‘desire’ for ‘privacy’
I was raised to respect people ‘s privacy …but this kind of way of dysfunction in marriage kills affections of the one who demands such secret keeping.
A man who distances himself from his wife….only destroys his own soul …because in scripture infidelity starts with departure from thinking of the spouse …a man is told by God that if he loves his wife he is loving himself!
It is loving himself to learn how to love his wife.
Col 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
I did NOT preach about being a ‘godly husband’ to my husband …I did share what I was learning as I grew in the knowledge of the Word and was corrected ….much learning …but being corrected by study of the Word is really a great thing…and I was hungry to receive it ..and still am.
But those who do not engage with the Lord and study will fall into many hurtful lusts…
The business world is full of those who are not just in business to support their families but are in search of more…more for themselves….
My husband grew up in competitive sports…a loving family but many rewards were his for good grades…WINNING…performing well and he was held in high esteem among his family and peers . He had many accomplishments to be admired and acknowledged.
This continued to be his main focus even after he married. He seemed to feel and function as if I was only entitled to a very small portion of his life.
It seems that though he believed he KNEW what he was getting into and even was informed and instructed pretty fully as much as was known at that time….but having this kind of limited interest in learning he seemed to ‘move on’ to more interesting conquests once married.
The drive to compete and win …to climb , to attain, to gain ..was more and more the focus of his life. The drive and push in the corporate world is all about rewarding the top dogs….and he strove to attain and did ‘arrive’ but all at the cost of those who he had vowed before God and family and friends and fellow believers to keep …he changed his mind….or rather his mind became changed…just as the Word tells us we must be vigilant to take care to be aware of the things that will press into our thinking and corrupt the believer.
Those who in the world and of the world know little about how this is destructive …God’s word warns us that corruption …through neglect of the Word …and compromise of what ‘is written’ will decay the person’s care and love for the Lord.
Rom 12:2 And be NOT CONFORMED to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
1Jo 2:15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Col 3:2 Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
The focus of one’s life as a lot to do with what that person SETS their mind to ….either it will directed toward following Jesus Christ which HE said …
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Order, priorities set forth from the beginning …God commands the MAN to LEAVE other priorities he had prior to marriage …even the most dear …his parents…
It is for the good of the ultimate result God intended for marriage which was that a man and woman would become ONE FLESH …involving cleaving …a man cannot CLEAVE ..which involves a sense of ‘pursuit’ …while he is demanding ‘freedom’ to pursue all kinds of other priorities and people with the excuse that it is ‘for ‘ his family!
This is one of the twisted ways men practice avoiding obeying GOD in their vows …they excuse themselves in order to pursue what often is only transient and superficial ‘relationships’ with some sub-sufficient ‘gain’
Years later in life all of the time and energy and resources intended to provide a sufficient support for the man to grow in oneness with GOD and his wife he may find that all of those who he pursued…used and got what he wanted in trade…are no where to be found.
The testimony of Proverbs speaks of this …few seem to realize it is the best counsel on living life practically to leave a godly legacy of demonstrating and experiencing the joys of learning to love ONE woman for life ….
The elusive joy and fulfillment of that begins with OBEYING God’s wisdom …and costs a man the open communication with his wife …and attitude of willingness to learn and be taught of God …how sad this seems to elude so many who believe the lies of how love has been portrayed these days .
Lessons of how to live and love are less learned in the home and more learned from peers , media and whatever is offered in exchange for one’s soul.
Hos 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.
if I had not known life long successful communication among many fellow believers and people I met and shared time around the U.S. and Canada I would perhaps tend to think I was in error in my way of communicating…I have learned from many of ways to be in relationship with people …
One thing I do realize is that my husband had some ‘red flags’ that I believed were just as with anyone …that growing was going to happen in his faith and walk despite his many great qualities and abilities.
He WAS in process of being teachable and investing and even serving and teaching …but when his career changed his whole personality changed…his goals …his values …his priorities …all morphed into a very highly skilled deceiver.
It may pay dividends in business …..for a while…but in marriage …this kind of attitude seems to just create a ‘space’ for sin….
Giving the benefit of the doubt and doing what is often suggested …’look at your own contribution and focus upon what YOU can do ‘ …often simply leaves more ‘rope’ for someone prone to serve themselves with no thought of the consequences that will fall upon all those who are being neglected and used….to ‘hang themselves’ ….
So at a great length here…I believe what you suggest will work with people who are willing and actually sorry for what they have done.
I think many want to offer that one must find a way to ‘forgive’ and ‘move on’
Forgiveness…yes…it is probably why Jesus said it would take 70 x 7….in other words…every time it comes to mind.
I think in some ways this advice fosters a sense of ‘denial’ in how it is applied to life ‘going forward’
Perhaps the reason I am continuing to stay faithful to my vows is that I INVESTED in learning to love my husband …I still adhere to the ways that I believe I must offer the continued love to my husband as I would to anyone ….he has done damage to me and our family …and even to the other women ..and the one woman who also deliberately set out to do destruction.
I believe that vows are redeemable for marriage…’til death’ is serious….
in sickness and and health ….I think his sinful descent is a kind of ‘sickness’ …
For the man who is given repentance and turns to the Lord there is hope.
I pray that will be the conclusion of his independent deception he lives in …coming to a true relationship with Christ through which he may return to the marriage that he has neglected, rejected and violated.
Then, I believe the counsel you have offered may have an opportunity to begin ….til then I continue…I have one Lord…and His promises are true and faithful.