Betrayal is one of those experiences that presents many problems. No one wants to be betrayed. You want to have faith in the promises people make to you, and believe what they tell you. When you are hit with betrayal, you do not want to believe that actual betrayal is going on.
At first you may deny the information. You may even be able to totally block out hearing the threatening information. You may even experience functional blindness to threatening information. You believe the best about your spouse and do not want to even consider the possibility of betrayal.
When the information persists or is so real you can not dismiss it any longer, the denial of the betrayal moves to another phase. In the next phase, you start coming up with excuses for the information or the source of the information. You may get mad at who suggested or told you about the affair. At this point it is easier to attack the messenger than it is to believe that the betrayal happened.
When you finally have to acknowledge that the betrayal happened, you may find yourself blaming yourself or others for what happened. You question the motives for what happened. You may even blame mental illness, drugs, alcohol or the lover for what happened. You likely blame everyone and everything except the cheater.
Blaming the cheater would mean that they intentionally and willfully betrayed you. They rejected you. That is a tough reality to accept. Coming to grips with someone who is close to you and knows you better than anyone else who betrays you is….inconceivable.
Betrayal forces you to have to admit the pain of rejection. Betrayal forces you to have to admit that your spouse lied to and deceived you. The world that you had, where you could believe them and trusted them is GONE. The imagery of something being shattered is often used in describing this situation. The whole thing is broken. With betrayal, you loose confidence in your spouse and yourself.
You chose to believe them and for that you feel betrayed by your own good intentions. As messed up as it sounds, the actions of the cheater causes you to doubt yourself and feel self-betrayal. It is hard to imagine how the actions of your spouse could cause such turmoil inside of you, but it does.
The imagery of being stabbed in the back is often used in describing betrayal. It is a good description. You are suddenly vulnerable and hurting in a place that is unprotected. You are attacked from a side you did not expect and in a way you did not expect. You were wounded where you were blind. When betrayal happens, the pain is intense and deep. It severs connections suddenly and abruptly. This wound cuts off nerves and connections.
The term twisting the knife is also used in describing this. When a knife is twisted, it increases the pain, but also makes it harder to extract the blade. The twisting of the blade often severs tissue and nerves in a manner that makes repair harder.
No matter what the excuse for the affair, you will still have to deal with betrayal and its pain.
Medical knowledge also shows that people rarely die from stab wounds (unless it is in the neck). Although they are painful and bloody, they are not fatal wounds.
In a similar manner, although betrayal leaves you emotionally wounded, it does not have to be fatal to your marriage. You need help, but it does not have to mean the end of your marriage. You can recover from betrayal, you can recover from the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
11 Responses
Your article came just as I had decided that the boy couldn’t help himself because he is a sociopath. For years I have been making up excuses, telling myself I am paranoid, and just not looking until every once in awhile the facts pull my head out of the sand and slap me around. This life style of pretending and him denying when I can’t stand it any longer has reached the unacceptable point. No he won’t go to counseling. We tried it and he felt that the counselor hated him and was acussational.
Sara,
Thank you for your comments. Being on that treadmill of making excuses for the cheater is often filled with activity but little progress. It sounds like you are waking up. Telling yourself the truth is often quite an awakening. It is unfortunate that he does not want to go to counseling. That limits what could happen in your relationship. If he feels the counselor ‘hated him’ and was ‘accusational’, it leaves me wondering how he will take being confronted by you. Many times how they react to others can give you clues about themselves and their relationship with you.
Jeff, thank you for your reply.
I am at the point now where I cannot discuss my feelings with him because he literally goes into a rage.I spoke in an earlier post that he accuses me of trying to destroy the marriage and that I am sick or crazy. He will cry and says he feels like vomiting. He tells me to give him my credit cards, and to leave. I just tell him it is my house as well, and I am not leaving. He suggests that I move in with my daughter or find myself a sugar daddy with good health insurance, what ever comes into his mind at the moment. If I pretend all is well, then there is a thin disguise of wellness until I say something that he can turn something I say into an enuendo about his infidelity.
Right now I am house sitting fo a friend for a few days just so I can get out the proverbial emotional swamp.
Sara,
That is a tough place to be when you can not discuss your feelings with your spouse. The emotional pressure builds up and there is no way to share it with the person who you want to be closest to. Your description of his reactions make it sound like he is avoiding honesty with name calling, spending, controlling behavior, raging and shutting down. Since you are the one who is actually facing reality, you are the one in touch with the pain. Since he is out of touch with what is going on, he likely views your emotions as ‘sick’ or ‘crazy’. It is easier for him to put negative labels on you rather than face his fears of vulnerability or having to face the reality of the emotions.
The credit card stuff and demanding that you leave amount to control games. He does not want to face the emotions, so he uses control to avoid them.
There is no easy answer or quick fix to such a situation. It is as if he is trying to make you feel all the pain, so that he can avoid all the pain. I often refer to this as the emotional see-saw. This often happens in the aftermath of an affair as the emotions go from one extreme to the other. You are not going crazy, the situation is what is crazy in terms of avoiding emotions, avoiding discussing facts, avoiding vulnerability.
My husband had a 7 month affair that dropped me to my knees. The pain of his lies & betrayal felt as though as you said, he took a knife and stabbed me in the back over & over again! The sad part to me is that all he had to do was communicate what he was feeling and what he needed from me. Why all the lies & betrayal? He has stated that he made a big mistake and will never stray again, but it’s really hard to believe. The trust is not there! We’ve been married 17 years! The hurt is real! I recently learned of the affair and I’m still trying to get through all the roller coaster of emotions! Thank you for your articles! I want my marriage to work, but knowing your husband has shared his emotional needs and sexual needs with someone else is really hard to accept!
Sabrina,
Thank you for sharing what happened in your life. An affair will drop you to your knees, especially after 17 years of marriage. I am glad that you like the articles. They are designed to help you and others through surviving the affair. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. It is hard to accept when a spouse shares with others in ways they are not sharing with you. When they have trouble with intimacy and sharing, it makes for a sensitive situation. There is help out there for you, and I hope that you continue finding hope and help here.
Sara and Sabrina
How sad it is that these stories among the crushed are often so similar yet so very personal
From my personal pain I was additionally saddened and surprised to experience that those with whom I confidended…mostly random strangers because I had become so isolated ..also having moved to a new location….what was additionally sad was that people were not shocked!
They were very sympathetic but I just had not realized the vast numbers of the population that had suffered like devastation from infidelity!
Perhaps because I was so focused upon offering the Good News and keeping my mind and life focused upon growing up in the Lord and teaching our children at home I was aware of infidelity but it was not a topic of conversation among close relations.
No wonder…since people don’t usually discuss this openly
Hollywood has glamorized it and adultery has made giant steps to the degree known among past destroyed cultures
Society has indeed been defined and morality deconstructed
Evil companions indeed destroy good morals
Today people have such broad exposure through media forms that the carnal fallen nature has risen and the person who was once less prone to follow fleshly lusts has a need to learn how to curb their thought life and exercise disciples care for their integrity
Those who fall in step with the immorality and regard it with “what is normal and good” will have little concern in learning to deny their various fleshly whims.
I have been married now nearly 35 years….8 years ago I discoverd my husbands secret life quite by accident…photos of the children he and the OW had….at her request to become a “single mom BY CHOICE”!
This trend reminds me of the purse doc mentality
The lengthy story is found here as Jeff has graciously allowed me to share my grief and journey to learning …both from the scriptures all things regarding this sin and how it has taken root in our society in decline.
My heart goes out to you as you now must come to grips with the reality and deal and heal.
One resource that may offer some support and encouragement in addition to Jeffs most generous offerings here is Rejoice Marriage Ministry .
There are sharings offered there by people who have been “standing” for their marriages in the wake and sometimes during the ongoing betrayls of their wayward spouses.
I know the desire for a “quick fix” but the truth is …this will be work on the part of both spouses….willingness to do that is greatly helpful and needed but sometimes one or the other is slow in participating.
That does not negate the power of one spouse who entrusts their own heart to the Lord .
He is able and willing to help bring healing to those who lean upon Him and learn from Him as we continue to stay faithful to Him.
The one flesh marriage is what the designer created and He knows and desires to enable those who have entered into marriage.
A lot of what is the truth in all aspects of life Nd marriage in particular has been deformed and derailed as marriage is the image of Christ and the Churxh which is his Bride
When we begin to allow Him to teach us from our personal searching the scriptures a lot of AhHa moments begin to happen
The church has many I puppets who have departed from biblical truth just as we were warned would happen by Jesus…false teachers and false doctrines abound in order to fill the pews with people who are gathering to hear smooth things…but devoid of life healing truth
So it is that personal time with allowing the Lord to bring understanding of what we read is essential to learn what is truth and discard popular culture teachings.
Many simply wrap a lying doctrine in words take out of context and have received many
Those who need the exhortation to seek the Lord and seek His Word will be brought to see the Truth and avoid falling for feel good rhetoric that leads to more sorrow.
Learning to APPLY the Word rightly is also something that is a result of having Jesus Cheist as your guide and teacher of His Word for HE IS the Word.
I cannot say your pain will go away as you navigate this season of sorrow.
It was NOT Gods will or plan for you or your family….yet fallen man is no match for the way deception has worked around us without the love for God that motivates obedience to become equipped as the Lord has told us
study to show ourselves approved unto God rightly dividing the word of truth
Without this armour natural minded man is not armed with how to recognize his need to protect and defend his affections.
Today I still struggle daily to cast down imaginations and every high thing that holds itself up against the knowledge of God in my mind
We are told this is what will be our challenge as long as we live in this fallen world
Also the directive following is what we do with out thought life
Taking every thought captive to the obedience of the knowledge of Christ
One cannot do this without the knowledge of Christ to do so!
Thus examining all things in light of what He has had recorded for us to learn in the Holy Bible is wise and profitable to all those who will to do so.
I am still standing for my marriage even though my husband has departed and we are still married
He is in a present state of withdrawal from me and did not go to the OW
He said he hates her and the very mention of her name
Still since he gave her children and was in the false relationship for so long. He has become a shadow and she’ll of the man he once was
How much more this man who betrayed me, his children , himself and most of all the Lord he once knew is in need of prayer.
I have observed that he is the one that must reach a point where HE seeks repentance and turns to the Lord in humbling himself to the task of learning to walk after the righteousness offered by Jesua Christ to all who are willing to seek Him and receive with meekness the engraphed word which is able to save our souls
Without repentance there is no hope for anyone ion terms of eternal life and learning how to overcome the things we encounter that snare and entangle those who step into the darkness of deceit which abounds around us today.
I pray for your continued healing of the sorrow you know so well
It may seem like no one knows your personal experience of this pain…but sadly there are many
The adulterer also may experience sorrow….if it is godly sorrow they will repent and turn to do whatever it takes to learn how to live within the boundaries originally intended not to inhibit joy and satisfaction in marriage relationship but to protect and provide the arena for joy and contentment.
Worldly sorrow is a deception and turns that discovery into a further intent to become more skilled in deceptive ways….it is evidenced by being sorry to have been caught
May all wayward sinners enter into godly sorrow which leads to repentance and reconciliation to God through a genuine rebirth by way of the salvation offered to any who wills to entrust themselves to Jesua Christ for the salvation of their souls and the ongoing life lived into Him!
Blessings in your healing !
Argh! Cell phone posting results in no proof reading and many auto correct and typos absurdities …sorry
I hope it still makes some sense ….
Those cell phone postings have their own frustrations.
I was in a relationship six years. We spent the weekends together. We traveled a couple of times a year. I loved him unconditionally. After I accidentally saw him with another woman. I opened my eyes. He is a swinger. It’s been over a month now and I can’t overcome my pain.
Vainilla,
It is always a shock discovering another relationship. At that point, you realize that what you had with them was not as special as you thought it was. When you see yourself being replaced by someone else like interchangeable parts, it hurts.
Thank you for sharing your experience with the blog. It is my hope you find some direction, encouragement and answers here.