Whenever I mention “I help couples recover from affairs“, there’s a flood of questions people have about them. The weird thing, is that although there are many questions, there is a ‘personal secretiveness’ about them as well.
It’s as if you’re doing something wrong just by asking questions. There’s a mindset that just by asking questions or visiting websites that you are inviting an affair to happen.
Questions are important, both in terms of what your are asking about and the answers you receive. Questions direct your focus, they shape your thinking. The questions you ask about the affair impact your recovery from it.
I thought I would do some questions and answers today. Some of the more frequently asked questions are:
“How long do affairs last?”
Most affairs last about 12-18 months. There are some that are outliers, yet the tendency is for them to fall within this range of duration.
“Can my marriage survive an affair?”
More than 50% of the marriages where affairs happen do survive. Some researchers place the number as high as 78%. The odds are in favor of surviving. If your marriage is a good one, with many positive experiences, the chances of survival are even greater. This is why I believe an affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
This means that your marriage can recover from affairs.
A current troubling trend in some areas is judging spouses who choose staying with the cheater. At a time when you think that saving your marriage is a good thing, there are some communities that resist saving your marriage.
The trend is so popular, that there was a recent article in the Huffington Post addressing it. (“Why you need to stop judging people who don’t leave a cheating spouse)
This means that not only is the cheater being judged, but in some places the resolute spouse is judged as well. So, each of you will be facing someone’s judgement.
This means that making choices based on avoiding people judging you is a no-win situation. You’ll be judged if you stay, and if you leave. with that in mind, your best choice is doing what is best for your marriage and you.
Somehow when you work things out with your spouse, it makes those that don’t feel guilty and condemned. They may even call your marriage a microaggression.
Your marriage is a testimony that affairs do not have to mean the end of a marriage. Some people will feel convicted by your marriage since the two of you didn’t give up and they did.
“Will the cheater marry the lover?”
Chances are they won’t get married. This only happens from 1-10% of the time. When a marriage does start as an affair, they don’t last long. 75% of the time, the couple ends up divorcing within five years. This is a higher divorce rate than second marriages!
The risk of divorce is notably higher. Even though you wouldn’t trust an airline that only has a 25% success rate of arriving safely, some cheaters take big chances with their lovers.
This doesn’t cover everything, yet it gives you some answers that will give you something to think about and discuss with friends.
I welcome hearing from you in terms of questions you may have.
Best Regards,
Jeff
PS-We have resources, like the “Affair Recovery Workshop” designed to help you recover from affairs, emotionally and relationally. You can know what topics need attention, how to bring them up and ways of restoring lost intimacy with a simple download.
