As you deal with your affair situation, the time comes that you’ll find yourself dealing with “mixed messages.” With the many books and experts addressing the topic, how do you handle it when each one tells you to do something different?
A reader recently wrote to me about such a situation. She was perplexed. She wants things to work out, but when each of the experts says something different, it leaves her confused. You may find yourself confused in such situations as well.
Since “a confused mind always says NO,” the most likely outcome is that nothing will be done. That may be your initial response as well. Mixed messages have a way of paralyzing their target.
Instead of choosing one over the other, you simply choose the option of doing nothing. Doing nothing takes you out of the crisis of having to make a choice, but it also puts you into a different dilemma.
The new dilemma is one where you are forced to take the “default” position. You will find yourself forced to accept whatever happens, and you lose the ability to choose for yourself.
You take what comes rather than making choices for yourself. This dilemma will leave you feeling more out of control and helpless. Since you “gave up” the ability to choose in favor of default, that is what you get stuck with.
There are several approaches to dealing with such mixed messages about affairs:
- My favorite answer is one given to me in a legal workshop years ago. The leader of the workshop said, “The lawyer you should listen to is your own.” What this means in the affair situation is that the expert or therapist you should listen to is yours. You need to pick one and use them as “your own.” The others may give helpful information, but one needs to have priority. This will reduce confusion and dismay in dealing with affair situations.
- Listen to the expert that best grasps your affair situation or values. The more that they line up with you and your situation, the more likely they are to comprehend what you are dealing with. If one expert has an understanding of addictions and affairs—and your affair situation has an addiction involved—you may want to listen to what they have to say. Although the other “experts” have insights and clever ways of putting things, if they are not familiar with the addiction angle, they are not the person you need to be listening to.
- When in doubt, ask. Make it a point to call, write, or send a message to the experts to have them clarify matters that you have concerns with. Many times, you may need some fine tuning for some matter that you are dealing with.
One thing about mixed messages when it comes to affairs is the nature of mixed messages themselves. Mixed messages, by their very nature, are “crazy-making.”
One of the terms for mixed messages is a “double-bind.” This label describes the situation where you are stuck no matter what you do.
The old adage, “Your damned if you do and damned if you don’t” sums up the emotional reaction to such mixed messages or double-bind situations. Mixed messages often allow the cheater to pick and choose what they want to do.
Mixed messages also make things “fuzzy.” When the contradictory messages sends you in different directions, it makes it hard to know where you stand in the relationship.
They are also a variant of commitment issues. The cheater feels torn and they are letting you know what they are facing.
I address this in the first module of the Affair Recovery Workshop, since making decisions often means you take a stand against mixed messages. I elaborate on how you have to decide. You choose a course of action and take it. Making those choices and decisions is a way to start removing the mixed messages.
Best Regards,
Jeff
