When your therapist coddles the serial cheater with comments like “It is totally understandable that you have needs, and occasionally go outside of your marriage to meet those needs with affairs” or “You need time to say good-bye and have closure with your lover”. Such comments may sooth feelings, but they do little to interrupt the thinking and behavior patterns associated with their affairs.
I mean, you would not say such things to an alcoholic or drug addict. It amounts to giving a heroin addict a needle and telling them that they need a few extra days to say good-bye, or that it is perfectly alright for the alcoholic to abandon his/her family and go out on a binge since they had ‘needs’.
In each case, whether with the addict or with the cheater with their string of affairs, coddling their behavior or easing into change only gives permission for the unhealthy behavior to continue. The unhealthy behavior needs to stop NOW. Although cold turkey is tough, the drugs and the affair have to stop, the sooner the better. Any watered down return, like allowing them one more night on the town, or give them a chance to say good-bye in person is asking for trouble.
In each case, the brain of the cheater and addicts will experience cravings. They will engage in fantasies. They will romanticize what they lost. They will experience irritability and mood swings. All these are part of the chemicals in their brain going through a ‘reset’ process. The way our brains were created, allows for a type of reset. It may take a few weeks for all the chemicals to reach ‘homeostasis’ or level out. They will level out, IF you do not allow the behavior to continue.
Although the specific neurotransmitter chemicals involved may differ, depending on the drug of choice in comparison to an affair, the process is identical. Their brain will need to reset. Their emotions will need to reset.
During the resetting, they will complain about how boring things are, how unfulfilled they are and similar statements. This is the brain chemicals talking. They are used to their brains being turned on and shifted into high gear. They enjoyed the excitement. When they go through reset, their brain and body will have to adjust to a different level of stimulation.
If you allow them to relapse, even partially, it will prolong the leveling out process. It is often difficult as a spouse to see your partner go through this process. You want to rush in and take them out of the pain. During such times, you will have to keep your eyes on the long term goal, rather than short term relief.
When a reset is done correctly, the addict or cheaters thinking will return to where it was prior the unhealthy behavior patterns. The neuroscience involved in the resetting is a powerful and effective in transforming behavior. This is why I use many of those same neuroscience techniques in my approach in overcoming affairs and rebuilding marriage relationships in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Although the object which their life revolves around differs between a serial cheater and an addict, in terms of brain function, there is little difference. In each case, their brains have been rewired to short-circuit impulse control and much of their problem-solving has been rearranged. Their ability to predict consequences from their actions is limited, if any.
When you are dealing with a serial cheater or an addict, the problem is not going away on its own. Intervention is needed. Are you going to be able to see the long term goal?
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
