There are times when I find myself having to read something two of three times in order to find out what the author is really saying. This is especially true when encountering large amounts of psychobabble.
I was reminded of this on reading an article promoting a ten year old study and book packaged as the “The Truth About Cheating”. The author claims that ” 47 percent of his male clients who have cheated did so because of a lack of emotional intimacy with their partner.”
On first glance, he identifies the lack of emotional intimacy as a driver for affairs. I wonder what he means by ’emotional intimacy?’
In my mind the ‘lack of emotional intimacy’ is the result of choices made earlier in the marriage. It’s also a way of saying needs are being met and he doesn’t want to blame anyone.
This approach to the lack of emotional intimacy focuses on symptoms rather than causes. He’s blaming the result of choices rather than looking at what caused the ‘lack of emotional intimacy’ itself.
I wonder if he considered that how hard it is developing emotional intimacy with someone who’s narcissistic or self-focused?
Did he consider that some people don’t have the necessary maturity for emotional intimacy or never learned how to develop it?
When so many ‘experts’ proclaim, ‘you need to love yourself’, there’s plenty of gasoline being put on the narcissistic fire raging inside of them.
When your spouse is wrapped up in porn, it limits your ability to make any kind of emotional connection, let alone develop any kind of healthy intimacy. When your spouse is on a sex addict, there is no emotional connection other than joining them for one of their rides.
When your spouse is critical, or argumentative, it shuts down communication. With no communication, there’s no intimacy. Other problem behaviors of raging or nagging also shut down communication and vulnerability as well.
The phrase ‘lack of emotional intimacy’ when used in a blaming way can put you on a guilt trip about not being a good spouse rather than examining the values and poor choices being made by the cheater.
The lack of emotional intimacy is the product of something that happened earlier, it’s an effect rather than the cause of the affair. Sure, the intimacy will need to be addressed, yet doing it at the wrong time can mess up your recovery from the affair.
Let me put it this way:
? (unknown cause) —–> Lack of emotional intimacy —-> Affair
There are things that need to be addressed, doing them in the right order is important for recovery.
When you’re going through recovery you can find support within the community at Restored Lifestyle along with access to videos and articles designed for helping you through affair recovery. Join today and start dealing with root issues rather than symptoms.
You can also get to the root issues rather than being tripped up by the effects thinking that they are the cause of what happened.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
