On reading through the questions sent to me, there are times I’d like to shut down my computer and walk away. At such moments I ask myself “How could they even think that or get into a mess like that?”
Although I find some of the questions upsetting, there are some of you dealing with tough challenges in your life. You really are facing some difficult situations.
One of those recent questions was “Why does my husband want me to sleep with another man?” Since I maintain a policy of providing honest answers to honest questions, I am addressing that topic.
There are two potential answers to this question. One is that the husband wants to sleep with other woman, and if he gets you to sleep with another man, it gives him permission to do so.
I was reminded of this on seeing a shirt popular at Fantasy Fest proclaiming “It’s not cheating if my wife watches“. Recall that with sexual addiction, the addict uses any excuse for acting out.
A variant of this I’ve encountered concerned when a husband allowed his wife to sleep with his drug dealer in order to pay off his drug debt. With both of these, the wife is treated like merchandise used in exchange for what the husband is seeking after.
The second answer is more troubling. When a husband develops obsessional thinking, it can spin out of control. When out of control, there are times when they wonder if they are alive or dead when it comes to emotions.
At that point, dealing with real life and real risks terrifies them. When this happens, they consider the option of having another man sleep with their wife as a way of finding a safe way of once again feeling alive.
Somehow seeing them with another man makes them feel more alive again. It gives them a way of reconnecting with life and taking risks.
If it sounds unhealthy to you, that’s because it is. It’s a unhealthy solution to their own hurts. They don’t realize that the solution is making things worse for them and for you.
Knowing the why behind this behavior doesn’t make it go away. If anything, it puts you in a position of now that you know about it, what are you going to do about it?
When that happens, it’s a clear indication that your marriage isn’t healthy. It has crossed the line into dysfunctional. At that point, it needs help.
The place to start is with yourself. You need to get healthy before things will start changing.
This is where the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers” can help. Even if you haven’t slept with another man, there’s still the trauma that he would pressure you to do so.
You can make it through this challenge, although it requires effort. Things aren’t going to change effortlessly.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
