One of the weird aspects of affairs is that spouses often give the adulterer permission for the affair before it happens. This strange phenomena can occur is a couple of ways. One is when in the heat of an argument, many things are said. Among the things said are often threats or comments about affairs or even divorce. At the time, many of those such comments are forgiven, ignored or written off as just threatening talk. So when a wife shouts out “Well why don’t you just go out and have an affair with some big-boobed blonde bimbo!”She is giving her spouse permission to have the affair and even who he should have the affair with. When such comments are made, the person making them does not realize that their statement is actually 1) giving permission and 2) wiring in the programming for the event to take place. The original statement may have been made out of frustration, but the damage it inflicts is real.
A second source of ‘permission’ comments occurs when the couple talks about their fantasies and ‘what if’ situations. Although such comments are considered fantasies and hypothetical scenarios, they can not be ignored. When a spouse says “If I had an affair, it would be with a tall, dark and suave man…” they are actually setting up the programming in their mind for such events to begin transpiring. Questions aimed at who they would have an affair with or where they would have an affair are best left alone. Even though you may like truth or dare type situations or gutsy questions, these types are best left alone. Divorce and affairs are two topics best not even joked about.
When such permissions are given, they are often disregarded or ignored until the affair happens. When the affair occurs, they begin wondering “How did that happen?” It often either does not occur to them that the permission for the affair was given long before. Usually it is only after it was brought to their attention that they even acknowledge that “yes” that indeed did occur.
When the adulterer tells their spouse “You gave me permission” or “You told me to”, their comments are met with “Liar” or “I never…” It is often a shock for them to admit that the adulterer may actually be telling the truth.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
2 Responses
Since my return from a very rough tour in Iraq in October 2007 there has been a complete lack of intimacy and sex between myself and my wife… In 5 years we’ve been together 2 times!! I have severe PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury along with a host of other physical ailments.. I have not been able to reach a single emotion except for anger since I’ve gotten back.. It’s like they are all locked away in my brain and I am barred from feeling them. I also have ED due to some of my psychiatric meds to add fuel to the fire.. So to make a long story short my wife wants me to give her permission to go out and have an affair so she can feel desired,,wanted,,needed,,attractive etc.. Telling me then she wouldn’t becfighting with me all the time about not taking care of her needs.. SUGGESTIONS???????
Joe M.,
Your situation tears my heart up. The only bright hopeful spots about the situation is that you are seeking solutions and that she asked your permission rather than writing a ‘Dear John’ letter.
Re-developing intimacy will start with the two of you connecting on an emotional level. You will need to begin opening up your heart to her. I recognize that anger is the predominant emotion right now. I also recognize that in most cases, anger is a secondary emotion. You can start by talking about what is underneath or behind the anger, be it fear, confusion, loss of control, shame, numbness, etc. I do not know what is there, yet shutting her out of what is there will only keep the two of you further apart.