It was late at night and the main street running through the city of Pasadena looked deserted. I thought it was the perfect time to show my friends riding with my how my managed burning rubber through several gears. I’d just installed a new Hurst shifter and wanted to show them what it would do.
With a pop of the clutch, the tires were squealing, smoke was flowing and we were laughing our heads off.
Our momentary fun was suddenly cut short by the sudden glare of spotlight followed by flashing red and blue lights. The street was not as deserted as I had hoped. I had no idea where the police officer came from.
My fun ended faster than it began.
The officer had me produce the required paperwork. He had me dead to rights for excessive noise and several other potential violations. After a few moments of watching me sweat, he let me off with a warning. It was the first time that ever happened.
I was a model driver the rest of that night and for the next few years. There was always the specter of the officer in the back of my mind which reminded me of what I needed to do. Although he let me off, I was paranoid he’d show up clear out of the blue.
With affairs, you may be one of those thinking that by forgiving the cheater, you’re letting them off. The weird thing is that forgiving them is not what lets them off.
What let’s off the cheater is when you yell at them. The more intense the yelling, cussing and name calling, the more you let them off.
The irony is that by ‘letting them have it’, you actually end up providing them a sudden catharsis. That incident helps them ‘let go’ of their guilt. Your yelling was their punishment, not your unforgiveness.
What you thought was ‘punishing them’ actually gave them a quick release of emotional pressure and guilt. Your yelling cancelled out their guilt. What you thought was inducing pain ended up giving them an emotional release.
Giving the cheater a ‘quick release’ from their pain short-circuits whatever changes their own conscience would have come up with.
There are some affair recovery gurus who want you to start with forgiveness or something else.
But I teach the opposite of that. Forgiveness is good, but it’s not where you start. Starting with forgiveness is a no-go and so is giving the cheater a ‘quick release from their guilt.
The cheater needs the guilt and conviction to pressure them. They need the pangs of it pricking them. It’s only when they are under pressure that real lasting change occurs.
This is just some of what I cover in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
