Consider for a moment the question ‘Is Cheating a Mistake?”. Before you spout off your response, think through it. I pose this question due to many cheaters who tell you that “It was a mistake!” When you consider an affair a mistake, you are putting it somewhere between an accident and an intentional bad choice. With mistakes, the person making the choice did not anticipate the outcome. They misjudged part or all of what they did. In some cases, parts of the affair may be mistakes, such as choosing to be in the wrong place, drinking too much or being out at the wrong time. These ‘mistakes’ contribute to the affair happening.
Mistakes may cover the initial adultery. Yet, once the cheater goes back or if the affair was planned, plotted and finally executed, then it was not a ‘mistake’. When affairs are planned, plotted and executed there is nothing mistaken about them.
When a cheater mentally plans out their affair, grooms the lover and then executes their plan, it was NOT a mistake. When it happens more than once, it was not a mistake.
They may have not predicted your reaction or the reaction from the lover’s side, but they programmed themselves to carry out a pre-set plan. Carrying out pre-set plans move the affair over to the non-mistake category.
Ironically, one of the older definitions of ‘mistake’ is ‘To take one thing or person for another.’ When this definition is used, all affairs are mistakes. The cheater takes the lover instead of taking their spouse. Although all affairs are mistakes in this definition, when the cheater tells you or pleads with you about how they made a ‘mistake’ with the affair, they are referring to the misjudging and miscalculating type. They are not using mistake in the sense that they chose the lover instead of you on an accidental basis.
When they use the word mistake, it makes the actions they engaged in seem less intentional. It paints the affair as ‘happenstance’ or ‘accidental’. In most cases, there was not accident about what they did. When you have to search and find out what happened, there was not mistake. Had it been a mistake, they would not have hidden it from you.
When the cheater hides things from you, there is planning and intention involved, not an accidental mistake. If it was an accidental mistake, they would have presented it to you as soon as possible. Hiding indicates intention. Intentional actions or cover-ups are the opposite of mistakes.
Whichever definition is used, you need fewer mistakes of any kind. You need your spouse back. You need them to intentionally and purposefully commit to your marriage. You need them to abide by the vows they made to you and God about the relationship between the two of you.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
