Has it ever occurred to you that you may be assuming that the cheater is capable of talking about their needs/emotions? The cheater, like all of us, feels things, makes choices and has needs.
Although they have these feelings, some cheaters don’t have the ability to discuss them. They may have trouble identifying what they feel, along with how to express it.
Handling False Assumptions <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here today. I’m glad that you tuned in and the topic we’re going to be dealing with today is handling false assumptions.
With affairs, not only are there are a many lies, there are also a lot of false assumptions. Has it ever occurred to you that you may be assuming that the cheater is capable about talking about their needs and emotions?
Lies or False Assumptions?
A lot of times we go through life assuming that the people we marry are mature. You assume that they are capable of talking about these deep-seated feelings, hurts, their needs, things such as that. The cheater, like all of us, feels things.
They make choices and they have needs. Although they have these feelings, some cheaters and sometimes the cheater’s spouses, don’t have the ability to discuss them because it’s not easy sitting down, first of all, to be able to put those things into words. To organize your thoughts and be able to express them.
For some people it’s very uncomfortable to be that real with another human being. They’re not used to it. It scares them.
It’s something that they’re unfamiliar with or unskilled with. Because they have trouble identifying what they feel, along with how to express it.
If they were good at doing so they may not have had the affair in the first place. If they were able to sit down and talk “Hey sweetie, I’ve been very lonely lately, even though we’re close to each other all the time there is a sense of distance in our relationship and it leaves me feeling shut out.”
They’re not able to express those things. And you may be making some false assumptions if you think that they can. If you are assuming that they can meaningfully discuss such matters you may be under some false assumptions.
Return to the Basics
The best way to go ahead and handle these false assumptions is returning to the basics. There’s a story in sports circles that after a big loss the famous coach, Vince Lombardi, took his team back to the basics.
He pulled out a football and said “This is a football.” That’s a clear picture of returning to the basics, and you may have to return to the basics in your relationship.
Are you both talking about the same thing?
1.When you talk about emotions make sure that you’re both talking about the same thing. That’s much like my story about Vince Lombardi holding up the football, “This is a football.” When it comes to the emotions you’re going to have to define what you’re talking about.
When you say you feel sad, what is it that you feel?
When you say you feel lonely, what is it that you feel?
When you say you feel shut out, what is it that you feel?
Describe those sensations. What is that sensation like.
Just because they use the words loneliness, sadness, or pick whatever word you choose, their experience of it and your experience of it may be two totally different things. You may be using the same word, but each of y’all has a different dictionary.
You’re going to have to use the same dictionary, both of you get on the same page, and define what emotion it is that you are talking about that you are experiencing.
The HOW is important
2.Realize that HOW the emotions are brought up is as important as what they brought up. What this means, a lot of times we don’t think about how we bring things up, but in communication that is important. When you’re hurting or your spouse is hurting how do you bring it up?
Some spouses have such a hard time bringing it up they find a way to hurt you, and then they can talk about the hurt rather than say I’m hurting about such-and-such. If you’re trying to be a strong man or a strong woman, talking about your vulnerabilities or your hurts is not an easy thing.
And not everyone feels free to just say “Hey honey, let’s sit down and talk about this!” They may not feel like they’ve got that liberty to, or they may be ashamed to bring it up, or they may be scared to bring it up.
So the how, in terms of bringing up the emotions, is very important.
Give Them Space
3.You’re going to need to give them space, both physically and emotionally. What I mean by this, they need their emotional training wheels to be able to discuss things.
When I talk with people I find that when it comes to emotions a lot of people literally have to throw up the emotions and then sort their way through it to understand what’s going on. They are not so skilled to where they can precisely tell you what they feel.
It’s almost like they have to stumble and fumble their way through the words to find just the right way of expressing what they’re struggling with.
Unless you’re married to a therapist or someone who’se used to finding the right words to expressing things, they may find it a struggle to have the right words. And you may have to give them space to bounce around with a bunch of different descriptions.
It’s not that they’re lying in those descriptions, they just have not found the precise, the correct, the most descriptive word or way of expressing things.
You’re going to have to give them their space. Their training wheels, so to speak, so that they can narrow it down and finally get to what it is that they’re trying to communicate to you.
In terms of handling the false assumptions you’ve got to return to the basics. I went ahead and went over that with the three steps. The simple way, define how, and space. Define your terms, realize the how is important, and also give your spouse the space that they need.
These are ways to get out of the false assumptions and to actually be dealing with something tangible and real and real hurts, the real issues, the real feelings, as opposed to what you’re assuming or what they’re assuming, or getting caught up in the appearances rather than the substance of things.
This is a way to start moving past that. And I encourage you to go ahead and put these into place as soon as possible. It will make changes in your relationship. Whether or not you choose to stay with the cheater or move on past the cheater, you’re still going to need to have healthy communication in your relationship. I encourage you to put these into place.
Communicating with your spouse is a skill. Like other skills it can be improved. In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“, you’ll learn the skills you need. You’ll know ways of bypassing their defensiveness, getting them to open up along with questions and items to avoid.
Best Regards,
Jeff
