In listening to betrayed spouses talking about lovers, a common complaint is “She’s got no morals.” Typically after making that statement, it’s followed by a description concerning either who she slept with or the pattern of her sleeping around.
One of the common factors is that a married man in involved. Her morals are seen as even worse when the married husband has children.
This tells me that one of the morals in modern life is “Don’t sleep with another woman’s husband.” The way it’s talked about, this is one of those rules understood by many, yet not always written down.
Although it sounds very similar to “Thou shalt not commit adultery“, there are some differences. The modern pop culture moral talks about cheating in a way that the ‘other woman’ is the one making moral choices. It puts her in control. The man is viewed as a passive actor who is just going along for the ride.
My mother-in-law talked about such situations with colorful references to “the woman is the one in the saddle“. Given that she seduced the man that became her husband from another woman, she speaks from experience.
I still wonder “What about the men?” In my mind, they made choices as well. It’s not just another woman stealing your man. As a man, he bears responsibility for his choices.
Although some women are seducers, there are husbands who master ‘playing the victim’ or are seducers themselves. The assumption is made that the other woman controlled the situation and knew about her boy toys marital status, his kids and more.
If she knew all those things and still played the seductress card, then the description fits. There are some homewreckers who gain access to married lovers through children’s activities. At those activities they start building the relationships that later turn into affairs.
If she’s in the dark about his life, marital status and children, then the husband knew he was doing wrong.
When cheaters hide information, they know at some level, they’re doing wrong. I also know that when it comes to healing and recovery from the affair, each party has to take responsibility for the part they contributed to the mess.
The betrayed spouse often times talks about the other woman with so much venom, that she does not realize when making those statements she’s still focused on the wrong party. It’s understandable to be angry, but it’s important to express anger at the right person. The real villain is the husband who strayed away from his marriage and commitments by choosing to have an affair. Both parties may make poor choices, but he should bear the brunt of the responsibility in this situation. Nobody forced him into it. When a married man gets involved with another woman, they both assume certain risks and consequences that come along with it including potentially breaking up his family if discovered or caught.
Even if he was acting dumb, or wasn’t thinking, there remains the matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Putting yourself in compromising places amounts to looking for trouble.
As a wife, you can’t assume responsibility for his choices. He may dodge responsibility, yet putting all the blame on the other woman may at the same time be letting your husband off the hook.
In recovering from the affair, he needs accountability. In my video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” addresses the areas where assuming responsibility is needed.
It brings greater accountability into their life. It also points out what to look for in terms of “wrong place at the wrong time” situations.
Order your copy today and start healing your life and your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
