It astounds me how during the seduction, the cheater and their lover dance around the topic of sex, claiming that sex is “not dirty, it’s natural”. Well, when it is with your spouse, that is correct, yet when it is going on with the lover, the rules change. Once the sex occurs, it is no longer covered in niceties about it being natural, at this point, sex is referred to in terms of being dirty, along with one party being a dirty boy and the other being a dirty girl. At that point, they are being honest with each other. This is 180 degrees from the talk about how sex is natural and not dirty. They had to lie to each other and themselves in order to give themselves permission to have sexual relations. (did I say, “Give themselves permission?” Yes, I did. Prior to having the affair, the cheaters have to have permission. They know this. The need for permission is one reason for the frequent use of drugs and or alcohol in association with affairs).
Once the barrier has been crossed into intimate relations, the need for the lie often diminishes. They can then be honest about being dirty and feeling dirty about what they are doing. Like two pigs in the mud, they coat themselves in dirt and find comfort in having a partners to get ‘dirty’ with. They acknowledge the uncleanness about their relationship, which then adds strength to the secretive aspect. The dirtier their behavior, the more secretive they become.
Although the cheater acknowledges the dirty with their lover, they may still excuse or deny that aspect with you. That bubble of denial that they had to use a lie and giving themselves permission to cross is now a barrier that you are having to deal with. The cheater may use all kinds of words to justify or whitewash what they did. In some cases, they may become argumentative about it. One question that shakes them up a bit is “Who gave you permission to have an affair?” They may give you a flippant answer, yet in the back of their mind, they will have to come to grips with and deal with the topic in an honest manner. You may think that the whole ‘permission’ question is silly, yet consider that even the wife swapping ‘swinger’ community understands the importance of permission and the role it plays in relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
