[Affair Recovery Radio] How to handle the anger build up

Knowing how to handle anger when you see it coming is key in managing it.

How to handle the anger build up<<– listen to the audio here

Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Today we’re going to be dealing with the issue of anger. The part of anger we’re going to be dealing with today is “How to handle the anger buildup”.

The thing is, when you’re dealing with an affair, anger goes hand-in-hand with it. Since anger goes hand-in-hand with it, one of the issues that you’re going to find yourself dealing with is “How do I handle the anger when I see it coming?”

Learning what to do when you see it coming, and how to handle it, is going to be critical in terms of getting on top of it to where the anger does not control you, but you can control the anger.

Many times we talk about anger as if it were a light switch that can be flicked on and off with ease. The reality is that anger isn’t like a light switch.

It’s not something that suddenly comes on. Anger, if you get down to it, is more like a dimmer switch. It builds up with greater and greater intensity, until finally you have a big blowup.

Since anger often occurs with a buildup, if you can identify the signs of a buildup, and do something about it before it gets to the point of no control or the point of no return. However you want to refer to it, you’ve got a greater chance of handling it.

Before I get into the specifics, I need to talk a little more about anger. Because besides being something that is built up and more like a dimmer switch, anger is often used to solve a problem.

Anger is typically the secondary product. There’s something else that started the anger and the anger is a result of it.

When you realize that you’ll be open to some of the ideas that will help you control and get on top of the anger.

In terms of a solution as to how to handle your anger buildup, the anger, there are signs that it’s going to be building up.

1. One of those signs is the I, me, mine thinking. Years ago there was a Beatles song that went by the name of I, Me, Mine. If you can keep that in mind that will help you with this.

Because as a person starts building up with their anger, you start noticing shifts in their thinking. What they’re thinking they’re going to be thinking in terms of I I I, me me me, mine mine mine. That whole selfish orientation is going to start permeating your thinking. When that happens you know what’s going to follow.

2. Interrupt or delay the build up. When this starts to happen, either when you see it in others or you see it in yourself, that’s when you want to do your intervention. And part of your intervention is trying to interrupt and delay the buildup.

This is where things like breathing, having a person sit down. Because many times people tend to, I won’t say explode, but the anger tends to move much faster when they’re standing up as opposed to sitting down.

So if you can get them to sit down that will help. If you’re the person that’s having the anger and you see it starting to build up, sit down. At that moment slow down your breathing intentionally. Stop and take breaths.

Because a lot of times what happens, you start talking, it becomes very staccato-like and along with that you quit breathing. Part of what makes anger much more intense is that your body knows it’s starving for something, and it’s using the anger as a way to get that.

One way to keep your brain thinking that it’s starving, because it literally is oxygen starved at that point, stop and breathe. It’s okay to breathe.

Besides sitting down, this is where you will want to have a drink of a non-alcoholic beverage. Because with the anger the brain starts to react, and when the brain starts to react it’s going to take over your thinking processes.

The anger is going to dominate everything. When you delay it slows your brain down enough, slows that fast track so to speak, to where your brain can actually think through, solve problems, process what’s going on, and come up with solutions.

3. Develop a comfort with silence. Silence is okay. And you’re going to have to realize that. Silence is your friend.

In terms of how I remember this, many times in the kitchen my wife is always reminding me Jeff, remember, water is your friend, water is your friend. In this case, with anger, silence is your friend.

You don’t have to rush in there and say something. Many times you may think that the person is not hearing you or they’re not listening because they’re not responding as fast as you want them to. That’s okay. The silence actually allows your message to sink in.

If you’re the one that’s having difficulty with the anger, the silence often helps you to go ahead and start getting your thoughts together. Because when your brain is going react, react, react, then once the anger temperature gets to too high a point and you’re still in that react react react mode, there’s a potential for things being said and things being done that you or your spouse will end up regretting later.

Let me review these real briefly before we bring things to a close. 1.) Recognize I, me, mine thinking. 2.) Interrupt or delay the buildup. 3) Develop a comfort with the silence.

These are three things that you can start practicing now, and it will begin making a difference with your anger. Is it going to totally make your anger go away? No.

In fact, you need your anger. Anger is part of our natural protection of ourselves. It’s a God given thing. You don’t want to totally get rid of it. There is a need for it.

You do want to control it to the point where it is not overreacting and you’re not seeing too much anger. These are some ways to go ahead and start handling the anger buildup when you see it developing.

When you need support or other resources, join the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find others going through recovery along with access to recovery videos, articles, studies, etc.

Best Regards,

Jeff