Lately there’s been an increased interest in the topic of long term affairs. Although all affairs are bad news, the pain signature of long term affairs are particularly brutal and the agony is prolonged.
One aspect of the long term affair that makes them brutal is the long term lying. Lies are always destructive. With long term affairs, that destruction takes on a whole new dimension.
With short-term affairs, lies are told as a way of hiding things. With long term affairs, the lie turns into a long term way of living. You aren’t just told a lie, you live in it.
This isn’t just a matter of semantics. Living within a lie leaves you doubting everything about your marriage and your life.
It has you questioning everything around you. You wonder if you’ve been living a lie in the midst of the holidays, birthdays and vacations.
You wonder what was ‘real’ and what wasn’t. Living a lie has a strong crazy-making element to it. You wake up wondering how much of what happened over the past few years was just a show.
All the times you made love, the tender conversations, the touches, the gifts and proclamations of love are disbelieved. You wanted to believe them, yet the long-term affair has you unsure of what you can count on and what you can’t.
Typically you count things that are real and tangible. When you can believe what happened in your life and marriage, you lose faith in your spouse, yourself and everything about your life.
It doesn’t help when Hollywood glamorizes long-term affairs with movies. One that sticks in my mind is the 1995 film, Bridges of Madison County. By using attractive people with attractive settings, it makes them look romantic.
Hollywood intentionally makes affairs aesthetically pleasing in order to hide the ugly immorality of infidelity. It also gives cheaters a romantic notion to hold onto as they step outside of their marriage.
If Hollywood presented truth about such long term arrangements it would be the Wreckage of Madison County or the Stench of Madison County. Although it would be honest, it offends cheaters if the truth was presented along with showing the ugliness of infidelity in the light of day.
Healing from long-term affairs is possible. Although it’s possible, it requires effort, time and commitment by both of you. Given that the cheater has already shown they are capable of long-term commitments, they need to redirect their efforts and the object of their affection.
You also need some major overhauling in your marriage. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I show you what needs change, when to do it along with how to do it. Yes, going through it takes a commitment, yet that’s what is needed in order to turn things around.
You face tough choices. Having been living a lie, it makes those choices even harder. You don’t even want to make a choice, but know that you need to. Putting it off isn’t going to make it any easier.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
