Your value system makes a huge difference in how you address affairs. You may view them as something personal, yet your personal values determine how you answer key questions about affairs.
One of the questions often coming up in John’s advice column is “Do I tell my friend’s wife about his cheating?” There are many variations of this basic question.
The latest one concerns a friend who is out with the husband at the local drinking hole. The husband sees an attractive woman, takes off his wedding ring and proceeds making a move for the woman he targets.
What starts off with a dance continues escalating. The friend is in the quandary of whether or not they have an obligation to tell his friend’s wife about the episode.
The advice columnist addressing the matter responded by saying he “is under no obligation to say anything” adding that his friend and wife may have an open marriage and that the matter is ‘none of his business‘.
I disagree with such counsel. I don’t need to know the details of my friend’s affairs, yet when I see dangers, I feel obligated to take action, including warning others.
When you see a danger ahead, the right thing is warning others of the danger. When a bridge is out ahead, or there is a raging wildfire, I warn others. Likewise, when there is that raging danger of an affair, I warn others.
I was raised with values that affairs impact whole families and communities. I was raised where you considered whether you would want your friends to let you know when something was amiss. I was raised with the mindset of considering what’s in the best interest of your community.
Threats that ruin marriages and families are a concern for the whole community. Communities are only as strong as the families in them.
If there’s an out of control wildfire, I alert my neighbors. When I see suspicious characters around the neighborhood, I alert my neighbors.
Secretive behavior where plotters scheme the destruction of families protected by a code of silence doesn’t sound like wholesome pro-social action to me.
It’s hard for me stomaching advice columnists telling others it’s none of their business when they see threats. Affairs hurt families and communities. Thinking they don’t or turning a blind eye toward them only condones their clandestine actions.
Affairs aren’t easy to talk about, or to tell your friend’s spouse about. Although it’s not easy, it’s not something to ignore.
Making the soft, easy choice of ignoring it is not dealing with it. If it was your spouse, you’d want to know.
When it comes time for recovery from an affair and you need a place to talk, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find others who are dealing with issues like the one you’re facing, including dilemma’s like whether or not to say anything.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
