The question came in “Where is my head during the affair?” Those of you who were cheated on often wonder “What were they thinking?” in reference to the cheaters.
It may surprise you, but many cheaters also wonder what they were thinking during the affair as well.
When you talk to the cheaters, the description is often made of ‘something just came over me!’ They talk about how an urge covered them like a blanket.
If you took their words literally, it sounds like some boogie man ambushed their brain and took it hostage. Although it sounds unreal, hear them out. You’ll be surprised what happens when you listen rather than dispute what they’re telling you.
During the affair they feel as if they are in a cocoon. A separate world within a world. They see what is going on around them, yet are disconnected from it. I often use the term “affair fog” in describing the phenomena.
The state the cheater is one where there is a distorted sense of time, a sense of being ‘unreal’ along with a shift in their focus to the sensual. While they are ‘this place’, what becomes the priority is the gratification of their urges.
Even their ability to think gets warped by the sensual focus. Their problem solving focuses on how to gratify the urge and keep gratifying it. They are not using logic or rational decision making when it comes to the affair.
Although many people dream of going to ‘paradise’ or being somewhere else when they are faced with the many responsibilities of daily life, when this ‘shift into paradise thinking’ happens in conjunction with an affair, “Scotty beams them” into another world.
Their world of ‘the affair fog’ is an escape from reality. In this world they view themselves as a ‘great lover’, they are admired, desired and listened to. They are surrounded with an indulgence of sensual pleasure. Living such an existence has a ‘pull’ that sucks them into it.
One case I worked with, the cheater considered himself a ‘porn star’. Each new conquest was like another movie in his mind.
Living in the ‘affair fog’ has the pleasures of the affair plus the escape from the pressures and routine of daily life. The cheater may have never chose to abandon, neglect or ditch their real lives.
They just wanted a ‘break’.
They wanted to turn off the reality machine and responsibilities for just a little while. In their mind, it was more like switching television channels from a reality show to a fantasy show. To those around them, it is more than switching channels. They crawled into the television show in more ways than one.
There are many reasons for going to this other place, and many factors that contribute to it which I cover in more depth in the ebook “Why He Cheats”
Best Regards,
Jeff
