One of the lessons I’m reminded of from the ‘woke’ crowd is the importance of language. The words you use determine how you think.
The words can ‘normalize’ things, by making them seem routine or normal. Words can also wake you up to the reality of what’s going on with the affair.
For that reason, here you’ll find terms like cheating, adultery, and affair instead of straying or non-consensual monogamy. They didn’t just stray, your spouse cheated. They violated the boundaries of your relationship and played you.
They broke the rules, they did wrong. It wasn’t a mistake or error. What they did was a big, black sin not some fault of human nature or habit.
This is important because the language we use determines how we think. And if we want to change our thinking, we need to start with the words we use.
I refer to the betrayed as the betrayed since the trust you put in your marriage was violated. Although I could use harsher words, my intention is one of encouraging you in recovering from the affair, not putting you on a guilt trip for not picking up on the early signs of being cuckolded.
I use the terms cheater and adulterer. These are both active words since they took the initiative in cheating. Likewise, they have a large amount of responsibility in recovering from what they did. I debated whether the term whoremonger was descriptive enough. I found the term philanderer too nice sounding.
For the AP, I most often use the term lover. Not that they ‘love’ them or that love is involved at all. I find it makes things clearer than the oft-used reference to the AP. I find the term Affair Partner not punchy enough.
I try not to use vulgarities unless necessary. There are times when there’s no nice way to express things. I am beyond using them for pure shock value.
The reason I don’t use some of the more vulgar terms is that they focus your attention on attacking them rather than focusing on your cheating spouse. Making it past the cheating has enough distractions without me piling on more.
In terms of my dealing with swingers, I choose to use the language of that community. Since they’re often skittish, if not outright paranoid about outsiders, pointing things out to them requires using language they are familiar with.
Using the wrong language with them alerts them to whether to listen to what’s being said is true or not. That world also looks at relationships very differently and with a distinct language.
These terms shape and direct how you view what happened to you. What belonged to you was stolen. In stealing something from you, it leaves a wound. That wound needs help and attention.
If this sounds like an approach that works for you, you’re in the right place. If you want another approach, there are the all men are pigs extreme and the ‘understanding’ non-consensual monogamy at the other extreme.
If you want more intensive help, contact me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for consultation times and online counseling availability.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
