One of the conversations that started some reactions in the community at Restored Lifestyle concerned the role of co-dependency with affairs. The conversation struck me as important enough to share.
First, there is a connection between co-dependency and affairs. One doesn’t cause the other. Affairs don’t cause co-dependency.
What does happen is that co-dependency and the shame it creates makes affairs worse than they would be. The shame that often comes with co-dependency keeps some spouses from getting help.
In the conversation, co-dependent habits kept people from getting the help they needed. The co-dependents were so caught up in being what their spouse needed, they ended up hurting themselves in the process.
They end up doing things and agreeing to things they didn’t feel comfortable with. Being co-dependent they went outside of their comfort zone thinking it would make the cheater happy.
Instead of making the cheater happy, doing those things leave you feeling ashamed and guilty. At a time when the cheater should feel guilt for the affair, you are paralyzed by your own shame and guilt.
You may feel that “I must not be good enough“. Like a cattle brand, you stick a label of ‘inadequate‘ on yourself.
Unraveling the co-dependency from the affair is challenging. It’s hard seeing one without touching on the other.
This also means that recovery involves both the cheater and yourself if you are co-dependent. Protecting yourself with simple things like boundaries becomes a huge challenge.
In making it through such huge challenges, you will need support. This is where being a member of the support community at Restored Lifestyle can help. There you can have conversations about co-dependency and its connection with the affair. You’ll learn the specific steps needed in addressing this problem.
There you can share with others going through similar challenges. You no longer have to suffer is isolated desperation.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
