The last time I addressed the connection between suicidal ideation and affairs, I received several emails wanting more on the topic. Addressing the subject definitely takes me out of my comfort zone.
Just mentioning it starts my stomach churning.
Within my own family, overcoming those thoughts was one of the ugly sides of the affair to overcome. When you spouse cheats on you, it leaves you feeling like you failed.
The ideation is one of your mind’s ways of dealing with those feelings. It’s not a realistic nor a good solution.
When a parent cheats, it leaves you and the children each feeling like they have failed in some way. Nathaniel Hawthorne talked about the scarlet letter of the adulterer. He failed mentioning the giant “L” (L for Loser) that you and your children now carry the burden of.
While the cheater experience relief at things finally being out in the open, you suddenly have the burden of all the pain. That sudden dump of pain into your life is overwhelming.
Being considered a loser with all that pain often brings suicidal ideations as well.
You tried bending and folding yourself to meet your spouse’s expectations and whims yet that didn’t work out. You find your best efforts have failed.
At that point, it’s tempting to view yourself as a failure. It’s at that point you need support. You need direction and help.
Even though you need the help, the shame of what you did and your shortcomings keep you from seeking help. It’s a real double-whammy.
You need support, yet your shame keeps you from asking for it. You may even go so far as to believe you don’t deserve it.
That little voice saying “you don’t deserve it” are unwanted weeds growing in your head from things the cheater said or did. They distract you from your own recovery.
Take a breath. The reality is you’re hurting and have needs. Those needs don’t make you weak or a failure. They mean that you need help.
You also have value. Your spouse isn’t the sole determinant of your value.
Starting recovery involves taking that initiative of the first step. One way you can step in a healthy direction is by joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you can join others going through similar challenges and fears.
You’ll also learn the steps needed in breaking free of the loser mindset.
You don’t have to carry that pain all alone.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
