A reader posed a thought provoking question. He asked, “What’s the way to manage an arrogant illiterate partner?”
His question is one of them that I’ve had to read, consider and think about for a while prior to answering. His question is filled with presumptions along with genuine inquiry.
When there are vastly different backgrounds and education levels, the potential for conflict and misunderstandings in your marriage are high. One of the dangers with vast differences between spouses is for one spouse to consider themselves superior or better than their spouse.
The dynamic becomes more of one between a parent and child rather than between two adults. Communication starts becoming one way.
Anytime one of you views yourself as superior to your spouse, communication suffers. Genuine communication happens between equals.
Assuming superiority transforms communication from something between equals to speaking down to your inferior. Big differences lead to big communication issues.
Although the phenomena of one spouse being superior to another seems to be more of a marital issue than a concern about affairs, they have much in common. Many cheaters feel superior to their betrayed spouse.
They may view themselves as more enlightened or smarter than their betrayed spouse. In such cases, they are hiding their cheating behind their perceived intellectual superiority.
I’ve also encountered spouses who cheated based on them not feeling ‘good enough’ for their spouse. When an inequality mindset develops, whether of superiority or inferiority, problems soon follow.
Inequality dynamics set up a series of relationship games developing.
Feeling either superior or inferior increases the risk for affairs and contributes to communication game playing.
Once game playing gets established as a way of dealing with each other, communication suffers. Games are poor substitutes for communication.
The bottom line is that vast differences create big communication challenges. Those challenges are solvable problems.
Bridging those differences is possible. One way of doing it is valuing their opinion rather than discrediting it. Using terms like ‘arrogant’ and ‘illiterate’ only make them feel worse about themselves.
What you assume is arrogance, may be their way of reacting to the way you talk to them.
Even when vast differences exist, spouses find ways of balancing out communication. What one spouse views as arrogance, may actually be their spouse’s way of balancing out being made to feel inferior.
This is where the video ‘Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” comes in. It shows you ways of opening up the communication in your marriage.
It guides you in opening up ways of connecting in healthy ways rather than talking down or feel like your being condescended to.
