If you live in Northwest Indiana or near that area, you may be aware of the advice column of “Dear Annie“. Last month, the column responded to a reader regarding the trauma of her husband’s infidelity.
In the letter, a reader shares about how traumatized she feels regarding her husband’s affair. She goes on in elaborating how she has little to no support system in dealing with the pain. She has even contemplated suicide in dealing with the situation.
Although she’s gone to a therapist, the counsel amounted to her needing to forgive her husband and letting go of her grudge.
In my opinion, the response of Annie left much to be desired. She acknowledged and validated the hurt of the reader who went by “Still Hurting”. Then ‘Annie’ rubber stamped what the reader’s therapist said to her about the need for forgiving her husband.
Annie doesn’t realize it, but her response only added to the hurting of the woman. Now she has the additional burden of needing to forgive her cheater husband while in a situation with little to no support.
My response differs from ‘Dear Annie’.
Dear Still Hurting,
You’ve truly been through a traumatic experience. You’ve been betrayed and whatever support you had has been removed or strangled. What you’ve had to carry by yourself is a tremendous burden.
I hate how you’ve had to suffer in silence. It’s important being able to share the burden of the experience you’ve endured. Finding a support group or friend who you can share with is important in facing the challenges in your life.
Reading how your mother-in-law called you a heathen felt like a punch in my gut. The lack of support from family is astounding. The heathen response is exceptionally cold and brutal coming from a family member.
If ever there was a time for a believer to exercise love and support, it’s during a time like this. Extending such support to someone they consider ‘heathen’ is even more called for than her shutting off support.
It also grinds my gears how your therapist is encouraging you to ‘forgive’ your husband, rather than address the issues related to the affair. It doesn’t surprise me though since a majority of therapists don’t address affair-related issues.
You’re hurting and it sounds like the people around you are turning a deaf ear to your pain. From reading your letter, it’s as if they’ve abandoned you as well, throwing you into the deep end of the pool and then ignoring you.
Forgiveness is important, yet recovering from the trauma you’ve experienced is more pressing for you than forgiving at this point in your recovery. Forgiving before you’re ready to makes things worse.
Taking care of the trauma and it’s symptoms is a priority. You need ways of dealing with the pain and hurts before tackling forgiveness. When you’re in a better emotional place, the time for forgiving will show itself.
There are places where others who have gone through hurts like yours can share with each other. Some are even online, so that you can be listened to. You’ve been hit with rejection and burdens on several levels at once. That would overwhelm anyone.
I also see that you have some hidden strengths. Reaching out to others with your letter takes courage. It also takes strength in facing the challenges rather than running from them. Here, you have a place where you can share your story with others who know what you’ve been through. You’re not alone, even though it feels that way at times.
At the membership site, Restored Lifestyle, you can find support and articles designed for helping with situations like yours. You don’t have to continue suffering without sympathy, chances to talk or help.
There are people who know what you’ve been through. Join the site today and share with them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
