Being a counselor, I often hear the comment “How did you know that?” or “How could you have known?” after identifying an issue in a client’s life they thought was well hidden.
Such comments are accompanied with a look of surprise and shock.
Attributing those incidents to intelligence or experience is an easy explanation. That’s often the explanation accepted by clients.
On closer examination, there’s more to it than that. In those situations, my brain uses a heuristic in identifying the issues at hand. A heuristic is a fancy term for taking a mental short cut.
The short cut I take consists of looking for either what follows a patterns or deviates from a pattern. Being familiar with the patterns gives me a place to start problem solving.
If I waited until I knew something without any doubt or was 100% sure, it would take much longer in counseling. I have to go with information that is ‘good enough’.
This also has applications for affairs. There are times when you want to know 100% whether there is or is not an affair going on.
Since cheaters often hide some aspects of the affair, you may never know with 100% certainty. Waiting for 100% certainty can take a long time when things are time sensitive.
A reader wrote me about his situation. He said ” if I say something, she automatically jumps on the defensive and tells me I’m just a jealous asshole.” Her reaction is concerning.
Strong reactions that are out of character are examples of something not fitting the pattern. In his case, something is going on. There may not be a physical affair yet, although the attachment of his wife to some other relationship is apparent.
The name calling from someone who typically doesn’t do so is another signal that something is going on that needs confronting. Her choice of names underscores the likelihood that something is amiss.
In confronting an affair or inappropriate attachments in relationships is one where you have to go with ‘good enough’ information rather than waiting for 100% certainty.
If you want more information on handling affairs and healing from them, consider joining the Restored Lifestyle support community. There topics like this are addressed and shared with those struggling through recovery like you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
