An important topic that shows up when considering addictions is that of enabling. In the world of addictions and dysfunction, enabling are those behaviors and attitudes that allow the undesired behavior or attitude to continue.
Enabling is also an important topic in the area of affairs. Although it’s an important topic, it’s also a sensitive one.
Anytime someone points out your enabling or even raises the possibility that you’re enabling the cheater, strong reactions are triggered.
It hurts even considering the possibility. Although you’ve beat yourself up over it, you don’t want anyone else pointing that out.
One of the reasons for these strong reactions is that your emotions are raw. When your enabling is pointed out, it stirs a mixture of guilt and blame inside. When stirred, those emotions are volatile.
Since in the aftermath of affairs, there’s a search for who’s to blame, part of you may feel like your enabling puts that blame on you. The cheater made the choice to cheat, not you.
When those areas are pointed out, they also trigger fears of vulnerability and of secrets getting out. Here you are already feeling guilt and the prospect of adding vulnerability to that mix is overwhelming.
The truth is that the cheater made the choice of following through with their desire to cheat. Part of your mind recognizes that choice on an intellectual level.
The hard part is accepting the emotional part of accepting that truth. Some truths are unpleasant to accept or even acknowledge.
Even if you had driven them over to the lover’s house, they made the choice of walking through the door. They could’ve turned back around and refused.
You may not even be aware of any of the ways you’ve been enabling. If you grew up in a family filled with enabling, you can’t see it when it happens. There are blinders keeping that from your awareness.
The affair put a spotlight on parts of your life that you didn’t want to see or face. In those cases, the affair touches on feelings attached to some early life traumas.
Your enabling may have roots going back to things before the affair or your marriage.
In those situations, the enabling amounts to leftovers from earlier life traumas. The affair reignites old nightmares and fears in such cases.
If you are dealing with one of those trauma-triggers situations, you’ll want the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma“. The information and exercises included will help you recover from your situation along with older traumas.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
