Social media has a way of sucking you in. I know the other day, while glancing at some items, I found myself getting sucked into one of those online arguments on facebook.
I got into an argument with Kyle. Part of me thought Kyle was wrong in some of the things he posted. The discussion started innocent enough. He asked me about my reasoning behind a response I posted. I answered him with the reasoning behind my comment. It didn’t matter what side you were on, pro or con Kyle was wanting an ambush.
Before I knew it we were going back and forth debating this issue for a few minutes. After a while it transpired into this online “discussion” getting very heated between us.
Boy! Was I wrong, Kyle wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He wanted me to reply in order to ambush me with his viewpoint. It was one of those episodes where if I didn’t see the world like he does, I’m wrong.
He wasn’t interested in hearing any of my rationale for his question. He just wanted to attack me and belittle me.
Kyle is not a bad guy. He learned ways of setting people up on social media. Like a bait and switch scam, he led me to believe it was all above board.
He was tricky in using terms that appeared intellectually honest. Once I feel for his trap, and his asking me for the reasoning behind my response. I found myself blasted with emotional jargon and catch phrases.
Fortunately, I came to my senses and pulled out of the discussion. I saw that he wasn’t actually open to reason or logic other than his own.
He had an agenda and was not interested in open discussion. He was interested in coming after me with a set of terms that he hoped would leave me vulnerable and then zing me, not by reason or logic but by emotional coercion.
He had an angle and wasn’t going to let facts get in the way of his crusade against some imaginary foe.
Kyle is very bright, but I found him very juvenile when it came I was nothing more than another victim of the sticky word web trap he set.
It was hard resisting responding to his snarky friends who added “FTW” to their comments (For the Win). It felt like I was in an echo chamber filled with the friends of Kyle. I was entertainment for him and his followers.
Reflecting on that episode, I realize that I just got sucked into a situation that often happens with the ‘big talks’ regarding affairs. One party was trying to force another person to listen to them.
You may have tried getting your spouse to ‘listen’ to you, even when it meant calling them back after they hung up on you. They listened and reacted. It is like trying to force someone to listen to you.
When we try and force people to listen or agree with us it is often the case that they do not really hear the other person’s position. It may appear on the surface that you are “winning” an argument, but what have you really won? You and your spouse may claim wins, but if there’s emotional distance, both of you lose.
Calling them back in order to have them ‘listen’ some more is asking for more reactions. There’s a huge difference between listening and ‘telling them off.’
You call it ‘listening to you’, but in reality it’s more often you want them to see things your way. The anger kicks in when they have a viewpoint different than your own. “How dare they!” echoes through your mind.
You may have even raised your voice while getting them to listen to you. If you were really desperate you resorted to name calling.
In the end, did you really listen to them? You may have listened for a time, but then began telling them off.
The reason is because you weren’t listening to understand! You wanted them to see things your way. This is what I mean by ‘forcing’ someone into listening mode.
Kyle wasn’t really interested in what I had to say, he lured me into an ambush. If your idea of listening is actually an ambush to punish them or getting them in agreement with you, all you’ll get is angry looks, hurt feelings and harsh words.
There are ways of getting people to listen, but this wasn’t it.
One of the problems with this practice of forcing your spouse to listen to you is that it becomes a habit. You can get stuck in that way of reacting to your marriage problems. If you’ve lived by the sword, you will likely die by it.
It’s as bad for them to force a person to listen as it is for them to be forced into listening.
The irony of the whole situation is that most of us yell and scream at a spouse to make them listen and then feel justified in doing so. We hurt the person who we need the most at those times. Truthfully, these kinds of reactions are traumatizing.
We are all creatures of habit who continue doing what we’ve always done until someone makes a change.
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Keeping It Real,
Jeff
