A couple of years ago, my single next-door neighbor moved out of his home. With Spring, many people make changes and new starts. His moving out brings to mind some of the conversations I’ve had with him while he lived next door. Like Tim Allen’s character having conversations with his neighbor, Wilson in the show “Home Improvement”, I talked with Rob. Only in our case, we weren’t following a Hollywood script or talking over a fence.
On finding out I am a therapist focused on helping couples overcome affairs, he opened up about his marriage and affairs. Rob has been both the betrayed and a lover of cheating wives. I always found his perspective on affairs enlightening. It amazed me how quickly he shifted from ‘affairs are bad’ when he was betrayed, to them not being such a big deal when he was in the role of the lover.
I recall during one conversation, he suddenly turned his head in a way indicating that the gears were shifting and said, “Jeff, it’s hard saying no when an attractive woman comes into your office and wants to sleep with you.”
Although he briefly entertained the idea that what he was doing wasn’t morally right, he found it hard to say no to such an offer, right there in front of him. He told me that it was a huge boost to his ego when those things happened. What amazed him was that it’s happened multiple times.
He admitted that although he disapproves of affairs when those situations happened, he never even considered the morality of his choices or the effects they may have. Rob also shared that their husbands still don’t know about what happened.
Rob’s stories always left me thinking about the need for people to be more aware of their choices and the effects these may have on others. As a therapist, this conversation has been an invaluable learning experience for me. It opened my eyes to how easily affairs happen and the reasons why there are people who engage in them.
Rob is not alone in his experiences. Ego has tripped up many people. It’s hard saying no when it’s staring you in the face. When the offer is from someone who’s attractive, it’s even more challenging. What makes it challenging is that the seducing cheater appeals to base desires.
The combined offer of no strings attached sex with someone who’s physically attractive and who finds you appealing is hard for many people to say no to. Resisting such a temptation requires strong character and in many cases, an exit plan.
Rob’s stories taught me valuable lessons about affairs. I am thankful for the conversations we had and for the lessons I learned from him. It wasn’t until after he moved out that I realized how these conversations shaped my professional practice, making me better at helping couples work through their challenges.
When you or your spouse face such a situation, it’s too late to try formulating an exit plan on the spot. The time for coming up with an exit plan is before you’re in Rob’s situation. Rob didn’t think about moral choices when temptation walked into his office.
That’s why I created the “30 Days to a Better Marriage Program“. When your communication and relationship with your spouse are at its best, the risk of temptation is decreased. Having a strong connection with your spouse is the best way to Teflon coat you and your spouse from sticky situations like Rob’s. When your first thought is about how your choices impact your marriage rather than what boosts your ego, you make better choices and find it easier to say “No”.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
