When affairs happen, everyone loses. Everyone touched by the affair suffers a loss. While you are dealing with your wounds, you may forget that other people are hurt and recovering as well.
This circle of hurt includes all the spouses, the lovers and all the family members involved. Although the myth of pop culture is that it is just between the two adults involved, it’s not true. The myth keeps the cheaters from seeing the widespread hurt they brought into many lives.
In Alice in Wonderland, the Dodo says “EVERYBODY has won, and all must have prizes.” Affairs are the diametric opposite of this. With affairs, “Everybody has lost and all must grieve”. It is the converse of Alice’s Dodo bird verdict.
The statement of the Dodo bird is now known as the “Dodo bird verdict“. It’s current use is that all the explanations are equally valid. Much like affairs are the diametric opposite in terms of results, all the explanations surrounding affairs are not valid.
The cheater may want a Dodo bird verdict and treat the affair like a race where everyone has won and must have prizes.They may view their view of the affair as equally valid or more than other views.
They feel good, but it doesn’t excuse what’s been done. The diametric opposite is the truth when it comes to affairs. Everyone loses. The Dodo bird is dead.
When you realize that everyone has suffered loss, not just you, it gives them and you permission to grieve. Children need grieving as well as their parents.
At a minimum, they lost trust, and security and the relationship with their parents that they could have had. They lost their family. Even when you recover from the affair, your family lost the potential for what it could have been.
They also experienced the lies, broken promises and missing parent. They likely lost both parents. One due to their involvement with the affair, the other due to being emotionally unavailable.
Part of the grieving process involved acknowledging the loss. This may mean you have to hear about the losses of everyone involved. The cheater really needs to hear these losses.
Hearing about the loss of others helps wake them up to the effects of their actions. This is one of the ways of breaking through the ‘affair fog’. Hearing about the losses is a way of bringing them back to reality.
You’ll need to hear about the loses without excusing what happened. This is not a time for spin. It’s a time for telling the truth. During this time, you’ll have to accept that emotional reality and physical reality are both valid concerns.
Give your children space to grieve. You may even have to give your parents or siblings space as well depending on how close they were to the situation.
You’ll also need to give them time. Grieving is something that can’t be hurried or rushed. Everyone loses and needs time for healing. Some hurts heal faster than others. The deeper the hurt, the longer it takes to heal.
Best Regards,
Jeff
