I was struck by a recent article entitled, “Which kind of infidelity feels worse?” I first thought, “I know…the one that happens to YOU!”
That was not the way the writer addressed the issue. She presented a few statistics which did not explain much to me. Such articles I often consider ‘pulp’ or pablum. They provide general information, but without some of the depth that those of you who are hurting and searching for answers need. It is true that they keep the issue in front of you, but what did you really learn from it?
In terms of infidelity, it does not address kinds of infidelity in terms of work affairs, neighbor affairs, family affairs, military affairs, stranger affairs or affairs with your pastor in terms of which one makes you feel worse. Each has its own pains and problems. Each person who experienced them knows the unique pains that each has.
Trying to compare an affair with a pastor to an affair with a family member in terms of which makes you feel worse is tantamount to asking whether it hurts worse to be hit on your shin or funny bone. Both are painful. Both are personal, but the pains are different.
One HUGE factor that the article left out was a person’s personal trauma history. If you have been though a lifetime of painful trauma and losses, finding out your spouse had an affair may send you ‘over the edge’. At the other extreme are those who think that the affair is ‘no big deal’. They are so numb and disconnected that the affair has minimal impact.
When an affair is no big deal, does that mean that they had no bad feelings, or that the person is so ‘out of touch’ with others and their feelings that the rupturing of attachments mean nothing to them? When you encounter someone who can make attachments and rupture them with barely a ripple in response, I have to start wondering about sociopathy or some other dysfunction.
Both extremes have problems. Yes, the first example may feel worse, although both are unhealthy ways of dealing with or resolving the issues associated with the affair.
How can you compare the pain of one affair with another? There may be differences in coping, but how can you say that one person is hurting more than another because they went through a common experience. There is something juvenile about comparing your pain with others from the perspective of ‘my affair was worse than your affair’.
This kind of question often leads to those of what kind of affair it was? or “How extreme was the affair?” Which are also comparison questions.
Comparisons do take your focus off of the issue for a moment. Yet, when you focus on the pain rather than the solutions, what are you going to find? What you will find is MORE pain, and miss out on the solutions. If you had focused on solutions rather than pain, you would find more solutions.
You will find what you focus on, whether it be pain or solutions. Whether it be on identifying every type of affair a person can have or ways of overcoming the affair. You will find what you are searching for, and find more of it. Whether it be diving into MORE of the problem or MORE of the solution.
This is why my “Affair Recovery Workshop” focuses on solutions and communication rather than have you identify what kind of affair it was and comparing it to others. What matters is that it happened to you and you need solutions. When you are ready to recover, we are here.
Any affair is bad news. Comparing whose was worse just does not make sense to me. You may need the assurance that you are not alone, that the affair is survivable, or that an affair does not mean your marriage is over. When you need that kind of assurance, you will not find it comparing the pain of your affair with others.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
I looking forward to your conference tomorrow but I really fear that it’s beyond help. My husband exposed his infidelity nearly 2 years ago and we haven’t been intimate as a couple since then. He’s growing more distant and nearly the feeling of dislike. We share a 16 year old together and he’s trying all ways of material things of making up to her. She aware of the situation. He makes NO sort of effort of reconciling our relationship and I have asked and pleaded as much as I can with him to give me answers as to how he feels and what does he want. I’ll be honest, I’m bitter, angry and so very resentful. What makes it worse is that I’ve suffered long enough and really feel I derserve better if he’s not willing to make our relationship better. I’ve begged him for US to get counseling. The answer is no. I don’t know why he’s sticking around if there’s nothing there anymore ,but I feel this is a daily torment. Our 25th wedding anniversary is in December and how I often feel so much of my life has been wasted on someone who doesn’t desire me.
Michelle,
Thank you for writing and sharing the painful situation you are in. I am sure that you will find some help in the conference tomorrow. You may know more about how he feels and what he wants than you realize. His emphasis on material things is a clue that he is about showing love in a physical or material ways. The effort he is making with ya’lls daughter leaves me wondering if he has some kind of scoreboard in his heart/head where he attempts making up for things. If that is so, he knows at some level that what he did is not good.
The way you described his ‘no’ response to counseling makes it sound like he is very adamant on this. Is it the counseling he is opposed to, or going to the counselor or opposition to getting help at all. It leaves me wondering if he is a proud man that just does not want to admit any faults to outsiders, especially counselors. This could be an area that with some sincere exploration may have some surprising answers.
Since a person can not not communicate, it is likely that the feelings of being bitter, angry and very resentful you experience may also be what he is experiencing as well. He may feel them, yet not know how to express them or discuss them with you. Those are difficult feelings for most people to discuss, since they often have a way of ‘overwhelming’ the person trying to discuss them (e.g. while discussing the bitterness, they start becoming bitter). Anger is most often a secondary emotional reaction. You may want to find out what is behind his anger and yours, that could give you some clues as to what needs attention.
Having also been married in December as well, your situation resonates with me. I am looking forward to the conference tomorrow as well, and hope that you find what you need to get started there.