Cheaters along with yourself have past histories. In these histories, there are old girlfriends, boyfriends, one-night stands and crushes. The phrase “we all have histories” is very true. What is important is how that history is dealt with. Those former lovers shaped their brain and emotions. When a new lover comes around, or attempts making a pass at your spouse, the more they are like those former lovers, the higher the risk. This is also one of the dangers with facebook, old lovers can trigger those old feelings. New lovers can also set off those triggers when they have a lot in common with the old lovers. It may be similarities in appearance, sound of their voice, similar name, similar body shape, similar perfume, similar gestures. There are many things that can trigger those old neural pathways.
Knowing what the cheaters triggers are can help you develop a game plan. Those triggers are real. It is not an imagined phenomena. Like ghosts of the past, they can be set off. In dealing with these ghosts, you need to know what you are dealing with. There may be olfactory, auditory, kinesthetic or visual triggers that a lover sets off. When you see the patterns, you can know what you are up against.
Ghosts can be dealt with, when you know what is behind them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
This is a very interesting aspect that you bring up here ..
The OW looked a bit like other old girlfriends and of a ‘type’ ….even had some of my own appearance aspects….
I don’t think she was anything like me in personality …or morals !!!!,,,no …not at all …
But mostly she was proactive , taking initiative and my husband was vulnerable and actually prepared to act if the right opportunity arrived…He did not prepare to be faithful.
He began on our wedding day collecting and accumulating ‘reasons ‘ why being married was cramping his style …wrong for his IMAGE …and boring
I see this as HIS lack of involving himself …withdrawing to protect his independents and individuality which our culture ‘values” so highly
NO leaving or cleaving …the only part of the ‘one flesh ‘ they want or intend to get involved with is sex…the rest is all separate !
I did not realize he had a bank account with only HIS name on it since we married and he said he did not even think of changing it nor did he think it was required!
He simply got married thinking he would remain a single man in all ways except name . He paid the bills but shared little and less of his inner self with me and then less and less of his outer life
He took me along on trips he won but made all kinds of plans to spend the time with other people…I was often left in paradise as the third wheel of another couple…fun for them too I guess!
As I forgave and made all kinds of concessions for his ways …due to hard work I thought he SHOULD spend time in recreation he enjoyed…even if I was unable to join him in it
The activities were what were most important to him …and he cared little who was along to share it with him …if I couldn’t join him then anyone who could would do .
Often he would wait til the last minute to include me then complain I was not spontainious …we DID have sitters but they were not firemen who slide down the pole whenever my husband had a whim.
I think he set the stage for him to ‘need’ another woman …one he could use the same way …never being fully available…but always making her more dependent upon him for whatever HE would want , whenever
I think some men make a study of women to learn who is needy and vulnerable and then swope in to captivate them and charm them and then chain them to them through favors
The OW in our case was just like him in this coniving way …I sense she had been conning people a long time ….She set up a situation having pegged him for the kind of person he is …he cannot bare to see himself as a user , a liar , or someone who would use a woman just for sex…so he was lured into trying to legitimize the relationship …first by hiring her to work with him ..then upping the anti ..she got him to make her his partner …then she pushed for further evidence that he was not the kind of guy who would use up all of her years so that she would miss having children
This woman was in her late twenties when she made the decision to have an adulterous arrangment with a married man who told her up front I will never leave my wife …or family
She had to con him into having to uphold his image of himself as a ‘good guy ‘, he could not bare to see himself be the user that is was …and so he kept giving her the things that assured her that he did not see her as the whore she was …HE could not see himself as a guy who would commit adultery just for sex. ..so he tried to legitimize it with making her his business partner ..all that time spent in a psuedo ‘couplehood’ ..and then after work …having cocktails and unwinding at her place….never could go anywhere…but played ‘house’ …with no responsiblities …shower…sex…shower again ..then home to the wife and kids…another shower…then fall asleep …not hungry ..has a late big lunch with a client
Eventually she worked him to the end that he bought her a brand new townhouse,which she had to have a landscape architect, gardeners and complete landscaping …[don’t get me started on where we were moved to !]
She kept upping the anti ..first it was ONE child she intended to parent by the ‘single mom by choice’ trend….then as he became more involved with our sons sports ..she pushed for another child ….and he resisted and held off for a while ..but then gave in.
I am disgusted with how this went along ..him using her and then trying to legitimize it because he could not think of himself as such a user…..she caught on to that right away and played it to the max…still tries to …through the KIDS….drama …
BUT does not attend to their needs …I don;t know what she uses the money we give her for…but she keeps complaining it is not enough …I know famiies with two working parents that do not make what we give her …and WE CANNOT afford to do this ..but he feels it is the kids that are at risk if he fails to keep her supplied!
THIS was the FORM of living that they created …and now he is trying to make it up to the kids they had but it has stolen completely his heart away from me …and does not seem to see the effects upon our children
He said the other day that the “condition” our children are in …is because “WE” …”LLOWED IT TO HAPPEN” !
Nothing wrong with OUR children that HIS having been an honest man would not have helped!
They are morified and seem to find connecting with outside people too much to deal with …add in our continued real estate jumping around ….THIS for HIS various work transfers to build his career .
This more recent need to sell is due to the economics of our lives…losses due to company losses…and due to the HUGE amounts of money he gave her at her whim
It is sick…he knows it now ..but the damage has been done ..and now we pay for probably the rest of our lives as now we are not young anymore
This is not WE that allowed the damage …I won’t own that …I was doing everything I could to teach my children godly character …train them in all academics….involve them in their various areas of talent and skill …and protect them with wisdom and with physical boundaries as well
While he played golf ..went to his office..built his image ..and committed adultery and built his life around the Ow ..and her lusts…..all for his ‘need’ to ‘get’ sex…..that is the plain and simple of it
SEX as someTHING to “GET”
SAD and SICK and it is indeed a HOOK !
As for GHOSTS …I used to ‘see’ a PHANTOM of the other woman at the foot of our bed when we were first trying to get past things..and still having sex.
NO more phantoms…HE disconnected from and any effort to build a marriage relationship by taking another detour from dealing with our marriage …with HIS role in it …instead of the OW …NOW his thoughts , heart and effort is invested in his work ..and THOSE children …because they are ‘young
Well …because they ARE young they are not discerning ..and they will buy into the ‘father’ that he feeds into their experience and it is SKEWED …a false image of fatherhood.
They are young ..and he can create the image of himself in their eyes…he can bask in it ..and enjoy if for a WHILE ..until they grow up …and have more demanding needs for a true father ..
I had hoped that he would find he needed to learn more of the WORD ..to seek the wisdom to DO fatherhood according to the way it is supposed to be …but it cannot truely be done because PART of fathering is to be in a situation where children observe day to day a man loving his WIFE ..and making decisions based upon GOD’ S WORD…and morally sound decisions
This they will NEVER have ..he has stolen their childhood from them as much as he stole our own children’s …NONE of us have had what marriage is supposed to be when TWO people are IN IT …and the children of such an arrangement have not had what a marriage was supposed to teach them either
They arrive at adulthood ill equipped to have healthy relationships …no wonder homosexuality abounds….they only know how to relate to their own gender! THEY know what they know about their own gender and it is ‘easier’ and less scary because they have not seen healthy relationships between a husband and wife committed for a LIFE SPAN to live together through all kinds of challenges and situations..
OOPS …I have gone on a LONG time here. ..sorry …a burr under my saddle I guess …!
Zaza,
Whether there is a burr under your saddle or not, you are sorting through and coming up with some thoughtful insights. It sounds like you are growing and understanding more each day.