You want the cheater to talk to you and listen to you. Although you want these things, my experience has been that many spouses put roadblocks in the way of this happening. You may be putting up roadblocks that interfere with the very thing you say that you want. If you talk more than you listen, you may be contributing to the communication problem in a major way. I have heard some spouses say, “They won’t say anything, so I keep on talking!” Talking to fill up the silence is a mistake. In rebuilding the relationship, you will need to get comfortable with the silence. You will need to give your spouse an opportunity to talk.
When you ask a question, allow them to answer it. Jumping in with the answer yourself is akin to you having a conversation with yourself. When you can talk to yourself and answer yourself, many spouses take the “Why bother with this” response to such self-stimulation.
It is often hard to listen, due to bad habits, discomfort with silence, your own internal noise and the pain of what the cheater may say. Some of you may be talking to yourself so that you do not have to hear what the cheater has to say. In such cases, it is protecting yourself, yet it is also putting up a wall that keeps your spouse out of your heart and out of your life.
The simple solution is to listen more than you talk.
The next lesson is to consider “What did they actually say?” What they said and what you heard may be two different things. They may be playing word games and avoiding issues. Even if they are playing word games, hearing what they actually said is an important piece in putting together your relationship. When you know what they said, you can respond to what they actually said, rather than what you think they said. Keep in mind that they may be struggling to improve communication as well.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
This is a good entry ….it is hard since he has lived lying for so long that his points of view are skewed…it is hard to listen and not to reply with the truth …in my case …the scriptures that are foundational
He has told himself lies about life. me , our marriage and himself ….it is difficult to allow those things to just lay there …as if accepted …but in truth when he is ‘cornered’ by the truth he shuts down and becomes bitter…SOMETIMES he realizes the truth and is able to admit …
There is no one in his life to speak truth or hold him accountable and his self deception has caused all of us such damage …I do not think it is great to hear these things FROM ME , HIS WIFE ..but he does not respect ANYONE enough to hear it from anyone
He was raised with this idea…his mother and father BOTH told me outright that no one has any right to tell anyone else what to believe about GOD …
They even forbid the discussion of God or Jesus in their home! My husband stood by and did not defend me nor the Word …
So it seems I married a ‘tare’ and did not realize it back then ..even as I had done all I could to examine his claim of faith and loving the LORD …at that time I did not realize that there MUST be a testimony of a WALK where the person has been through some trials…some times where they KNOW they had to apply faith and have had some overcoming
I was not knowledgable of this …it is like the parable where the seed falls on the rock ..when tribulation comes as a result of the Lord…for his namesake…they do not stay …they fall away
So even though truth is the only way ‘out ‘ of the ditch ….he has a shield up that was built long ago in his childhood …along with his entitlements and glorious status as first son and most successful in the world of all his family …
Now he sorrows for his downfall but is still reliant upon his carnal mind and fleshly abilities…so his life will be based ongoing on the same old paradigm…and later wonder why the same results.
He had a very elite education but is not very deep …strange to say but he himself admits this ….pride is at length the enemy of wisdom is it not?
I have ceased to ‘intrude” upon his life…..he has gone back to living his life pretty much as before without the adultery …I feel that now his ’emotional ‘infidelity is toward the children of the adultery …it is the easier of the relationships for him …and he has always chosen ‘easy’ rather than trouble himself to learn to be unselfish…sadly for our daughters …he is comfortable and that seems to be his continued contentment.
He relates to me as part of the GROUP …no real distinction …his comfort is in being at home within our family …me and our daughters are all given the same kind of relationship…one kiss on the forehead before he ascends the stairs to go to bed.
I feel so invisible yet…I will say that if he cannot love me it is his blindness to what he is missing ….His retreat is making him depressed and sad and I believe it is because he is UNWILLING to enter into marriage as it is meant to be …He has lived his life with many SUPERFICIAL relationships ..even his OW only got what he was willing to trade of himself in exchange for access to sex….
A very sad state for a person who God blessed with so many talents,,abilities and opportunities…he is content to sit and watch TV ….or play computer games…disconnected from all of us …yet insisting he is ‘with ‘ us ….
Our lives are very shallow despite our abilities to do so much …I feel like all of my work and abilities and growth in all the various areas of past accomplishment and friendships shrank when I married this man .
He withdrew but did not like it when I was active..I made myself available to HIM because he was the one who had the schedule with his work ….i became a recluse …using my time wisely however …but reduced in many ways …due to hoping for him to make time for me and our family
It is interesting to me that despite the isolation …I still reached out to meet our neighbors every time we moved….spent time with our gardeners….and mailman …to share whatever the Lord put on my heart and just to honor them ….grew in the study of the WORD …and He MISSED all of it …threw all of the life he could have had with me and our children …away ..for his OW …and a life of superficial ‘friends ‘ and ‘acquaintances’ …..He has none of them now ..the golf buddies were mostly of the same kind …neglecting wives and families
I say they extended their own childhoods at the expense of their children’s childhoods they should have had ….very selfish , immature and sad.,… and very little to show for it ..all in the name of what THEY needed …they lost the things that would have fulfilled what they kept seeking in all those empty things..
Sad for all …and he is STILL in retreat from LIFE as he could have it ….My daughters should be moving into their own lives but the infidelity has effectively stalled everyone’s progress …as we are in limbo as to where we are going to live …so no external social network whatsoever for them!
Zaza,
There is definitely some early childhood issues flooding over into your marriage. Although you mean it (what you say) in love, speaking the truth to someone is often met with anger. Paul asked a timely question when he asked “Am I therefore become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” Some people react to the truth with INTENSE anger. If you really want to make someone angry, tell them the truth. This is one reason why speaking the truth has to be tempered with love, since it carries with it volatility.
You husband may understand sex, and duty, but he does not understand love and truth.
Yes….this is true…
Jhn 8:43 Why do ye not understand my speech? [even] because ye cannot hear my word.
Psa 82:5 They know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness: all the foundations of the earth are out of course.
Pro 28:5 Evil men understand not judgment: but they that seek the LORD understand all [things].
Mat 11:6 And blessed is [he], whosoever shall not be offended in me.
1Pe 2:8 And a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense, [even to them] which stumble at THE WORD, being disobedient: whereunto also they were appointed.
Jhn 12:48 He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words,
hath one that judgeth him: THE WORD that I have spoken,
the same shall judge him in the last day.
I could not have said it any better.