One of the ways affairs are the hurt that keeps on hurting is how it impact the children. Long after the affair is over, the damage done to your relationships with the children is still there. You may wonder how years after the affair why they still remain distant, aloof or play their cards close to their chest. The simple answer is that they do not trust you. In many cases, they learned to not trust either parent. The more the manipulation, the more the distrust. The more lies, the more distrust. The more secrets, the more distrust.
It is always a mistake to turn the children, either in your direction or against the cheater. When you try to sell them on your version of things, you are manipulating them. When you try to get them to accept the lover as their ‘new’ parent, you are manipulating them. When you alienate them against the cheater, you eventually alienate them from yourself as well. Alienation has LOOOOONG term consequences.
Now that we are past Mother’s Day, it could be that Mother’s Day was not all that it could have been for you, not because you were a terrible mother, but rather because you made some bad mistakes regarding alienation and manipulation of your children. Getting them to agree with your version of the cheater or the cheating is bad enough. Ignoring the cheating and treating it like it either never happened or is no big deal is also a mistake. The downplay and ignore approach may leave your children with loads of self-doubt. They know the affair was a big deal and may start to question themselves and their own emotions about family relationships.
Rather than manipulate them, try being honest with them. Listen to them. Hear them out without defending your actions. Answer their questions directly and honestly. It may make you uncomfortable, yet this discomfort is momentary. Trying to manipulate them will leave you with long term discomfort.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
I think this is good advice ….our children are adults and have a right to know what is what …I have tried to urge my husband to consider that this is a great opportunity to demonstrate all kinds of good skills to handle life’s tough situations and that marriages CAN continue and flourish.
He has taken offense from the various ways the whole adulterous thing hit me and has expected more quick bouncing back…he expected that I would and could not be so deeply hurt ..possibly due to the ways over the years I made forgiveness for his various neglect and ignoring my pleas for him to enter into our relationship and engage…
This is part of the FOG that comes over the minds of people who sin willfully ..God calls it REPROBATE MIND…a mind devoid of the ability to make sound judgments.
He did not want to confess to our children ..but my two daughters live with us ..and when I discovered the photos I had to buck up and keep myself ‘together’ until my husband came home and then hold on to my emotions until months later when my son came home from college so we could tell them all face to face
You don’t want to inform someone of this long distance by phone if you can avoid it …I wanted them all to hear it FROM HIM ..which he did not want to do and was resentful
I felt my daughters knew me well enough from all our years of closeness in homeschooling that they KNEW something was very wrong…but it was going to worry them if they did not know what …I had admitted that I had found out something really distressing but that I would tell them later on .
So he HAD to tell them while our son was home…and he would have preferred to put it off …until a week before our son was to return to school!
I told him he could not wait for our daughters sake …and I did not want our son to hear some thing like this and not have time to deal with it while in the family home where he would be able to process it among those who love him and love the Lord .
My husband felt that they were given TOO MUCH information …but they LIVE HERE and there was no use in hiding PLUS I am not about to lie to them…THIS sin of his effected all of us ..not just NOW but all the years where he lied to them.
I think people have a right to know if someone has manipulated their reality .
Lying is heinous and people who do so eventually MUST confess in order to protect their children from going on in life with false relationship experience with the parent
I know people want to protect the younger ones…and it is so with the children he has with the Ow ..but I am still concerned that his IMAGE that they are learning to believe about him is false and will eventually backfire in their own relational abilities.
It is difficult because they are so young …but as the teen years approach someone has to speak to them about sex ..and sexual sin and it’s consequences….But it does not appear they will have any encouragement to abstain ..not from their mother …her lifestyle is such and right in their faces.
My husband is in a particularly bad situation as a man …she could accuse him of sexual misconduct with the kids just for spite if he were to attempt to say anything about sex to them …and he probably is too self conscience to say anything
I am concerned about the present day trend to teach young children about sex ..even supplying them with condoms before they are really old enough to think or consider the dangers
My husband was OLD ENOUGH …and knowledgeable and STILL risked EVERYTHING …including his health and mine to have sex with a stranger …and invite her into his business!
He opened all the boundaries…body, soul , mind and spirit to the devilish realm …invited them into our family by way of this sin …
I think that the children when old enough must be told in no uncertain terms the COST that the sin has brought about in ALL our lives
I am not so sure my husband has enough courage to do that …or love to do that …his form of love is very comforting but dangerous when it comes to the things necessary to do for the good of the children’s character and future health in love , and sexual activities that are sure to come along
The 8 year old already made a statement that a boy told him on the playground that he thinks his 12 year old sister is ‘SEXY” !
My husband told them it is too soon for them to be talking like that and they should tell the boy so also …a good start….but far from the necessary clarity of what to do when alone and feelings of attraction grow….
Hope he can figure this out ..in the mean time I pray for those kids.
Our kids too ..adults or not their lives changed COMPLETELY with this new ‘identity’ addition …Followers of Christ are just as hurt when a parent does this ..maybe moreso ..but at least they KNOW that the LORD has offered wisdom and will equip them with sound judgment if they continue in His word …
My husband accused me of ‘turning them against him ” ….I think THEY are equipped with enough wisdom to think for themselves …the trust they had for him is gone…He is unhappy because he broke the trust ..they still love him but he let everyone down in a HUGE WAY …HE constructed his image and kept on doing this for 14 years …and it is still costing all of us because he refuses to take any counsel on how to deal with it …
He wants to charm his way out of it ..and blames ME for the ways that he feels he is not connecting with them
It was HIS disconnect for YEARS as he went out the door on weekends to ‘work’ or play or to her place….so WHOSE fault is it now ??
Zaza,
Cheaters often do not want to face the fact with their children. Since they understand things on a simple level, they ‘call it as they see it’. They have not fallen for the delusions and lies that many adults have. Having to face them forces the cheater to have to face the simple reality of what they have done.
I think through the word and caring about what is important to GOD I learned as I homeschooled a lot about what a parents role is in the shaping of a character that is directed toward learning what GOD commands and growing an attitude that God is GOOD and His commandments are FOR OUR GOOD….not seen then as restrictive .
Example…My husband takes the children to breakfast and school because the OW does not cook or even shop for food and the home is often without groceries unless she can con her boyfriend into going to a store to buy them for them …Keep in mind she gets 3000.00 a month from us.
So my husband takes them to get something to eat before school…then drives them the few blocks and drops them off at school…She chose to buy a house in a very ‘hip’ section of the City …but it is also dangerous with Meth labs and gangs flowing through it .
We pay the mortgage..or she does from the $$ we send…IN my view if she cared about the children and found that she could not make ends meet with what we send…she should have moved to a better area and lived in an apartment rather than staying where SHE enjoys being because of how trendy it is …
Anyway …my husband often feeds them foods that he KNOWS she would not approve of …so he can be the ‘good guy’ …and he instructs the children just not to let their mother know what they have had to eat …in his mind she does not let them have any treats…and what she doesn’t know makes life easier for him and more enjoyable for them.
Yesterday he took them to breakfast and they had ICE CREAM
Now I see several things wrong with his practice….sneaking them hostess cupcakes…..various sweets that cause behavior problems at school …starting off with sugary things the OW has asked him to avoid
HE feels if she doesn’t feed them that SOME food is better than NONE ….
I feel this is wrong ..in several ways
It trains the kids to think lying is OK under some circumstances….’situational ethics’ …the SAME thing that brought him to CHEAT on me.
It also sets him up above her in their affections…HE is the ‘nice’ one or as the daughter told him one morning when she had a conflict with her mother …who IS ‘crazy’ but HE should not encourage DISRESPECT for her …despite her poor character and sinful lifestyle…but if anything he should use his time with them to discuss the poor and sinful choices …and maybe talk about the alternative RIGHT way to make choices….but HE himself is too invested in opposing the OW to build up his own image in the kids minds…so they are learning but what they are learning is destructive …not just in their relationship to their mother but in the skills and perspectives that will bring them to behave badly in their own lives.
He deliberately provokes confusion in their minds as well …by encouraging “secret keeping’ ,,,,poor food choices lacking in nutrition …and going against the school policies..
The sugary diet is also counter what is good for the medical condition of the one child
SO it is my husbands’ rebellious and independent character goes on influencing the next generation .
I have given him the benefit of my two cents that as long as he is going to throw over our marriage in order to ‘be there ‘ for those children he should make it count…I had told him after D DAY that he needed to have time to invest in changing his ways by way of learning from the WORD and from my experiences with parenting what is the best way to impact the children in terms of character…
He has not had a conscience trained to be sensitive to the subtleties of sinful urges that would ‘call him ‘ on his behaviors that are encouraging these unhealthy attitudes…that rules are made to be broken ..that good morals are ‘relative’ to what a person wants and the situation immediately presenting itself..
I see he is actually training them up to disregard respect for GOD and everyone else…
None of us have had PERFECT parents but disregard and disrespect for parents does not encourage right attitudes for laws of society or for GOD”S LAWS which leads to a population more and more self oriented
I see that many BAD parents have caused children to grow up not being able to trust anyone ..and angry with GOD as there is little understanding of the personal responsibility to make sound and right choices that do not harm others.
The letting loose of carnal living has caused many to turn away from caring about learning to live morally ….they may feel if the only way I can get anywhere or protect myself is to lie, cheat and steal …then so be it.
The more successful a person becomes in subtly doing unrighteous things…the more encouraging it is to believe is getting away with it …
My son would observe my husband who is very handsome, charming , witty and VERY successful and respected in his field..walk right out on our Bible time ..thus subtly giving the impression that Bible is for women and children ,,men don’t need a relationship with GOD or knowledge from the WORD to be successful
Even now upon learning of my husbands lengthy lifestyle of duplicity …his being ‘caring ‘ about the state of life for the OW and the children while having been outed and had to confess this sin …he is seemingly without any real ‘cost’ to his own life…except his health ..his ceasing to have sex or play golf …nothing of real value has been lost to him…at least what HE values…still does not care to learn from the LORD or be under HIS Lordship
SO he continues with his same old paradigm that HE is the source and equipped with HOW to be a good father …and yet what he is in truth is a BUDDY …and a SUPPLIER of GOOD TIMES and FORBIDDEN TREATS>..with a few words of advice ..thrown in that really lack substance or followup ..since he CANNOT do any of the things a parent is called to do
IE…Teach the doctrine…what is expected…what is true…what is required in the household rule…AND FOLLOW UP which must be ongoing ….and up close and personal to have any real impact upon the building of character and respect for others
He is the big playmate …and with HOW he is positioning his relationship SHE is the inept bad guy.
I was in the same situation actually ..he came home …slept at home …but lived independent and would not take part in making house rules ..or in keeping them accountable and applying discipline …HE was simply the guy who was FUN or asleep.
This is a HUGE strain upon a woman …and no wonder Feminism has found so many ‘takers’ for their cause …many women …maybe not abused physically …but simply left adrift to fend for themselves and train up their children in a lopsided way ….
Men raised up with less and less requirement to grow up ….READ “MISSING FROM ACTION ” …a great book ..2. Missing from Action: A Powerful Historical Response to the Crisis Among American Men by Weldon Hardenbrook and Terry Somerville (May 1996)
Still one of the best expositions on the some of the turning points in how boys were raised and the outcome we see all around us ….
Opportunity was created to ‘bind the strong man’ the head..the husband of the family …and the houses have been spoiled since..as families have been set adrift to manage themselves while men have pursued the extention of their childhood at the expense of their own children’s childhood and development.
Seeking for self is the opposite of the command for a HUSBAND and FATHER …as well as anyone who is seeking to please the LORD ….
It is a sad state …and even with being ‘interrupted ‘ in the midst of his adultery it has not been ‘enough’ of a reason to begin to learn wisdom from the LORD ..not even for the good of the children he claims to love and want to provide and protect…
Pride is a very destructive thing…we all have to deal with it at the throne of the LORD through being willing to receive HIS Word….
Jam 1:21 Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. .
Zaza,
You have good reason to be concerned about the parenting practices you described. Lessons are being presented about many things. Seeds are being planted and I do not think that he will like the fruit of those trees when they are grown.