Cheaters generally don’t want to talk about their affair and the wrongness of their actions. They’ll not want to talk about it with you, the children or their family.
The only people they will discuss the affair with are those people providing encouragement rather than accountability. They want to surround themselves with those who tell them “I understand”, “no one can blame you!”, “you have needs” or “You’re only human”.
They don’t want to face the reality that their actions changed the lives of everyone around them. They want to believe that what happened only impacted you. They don’t want to even consider that it hurt their family, their children and anyone else that came in contact with the affair.
Even years after the affair, they’re reluctant to talk about what happened. In their mind, ‘time heals all wounds’. They believe that allowing enough time to pass fixes everything.
In their mind, accountability is not necessary, apologies are not necessary, the only necessary ingredient is time. When enough time has passed, they will question any reference to the affair as “Do we really need to talk about that?”, “Isn’t it time to let that go?” or “Can’t you just get on with life?”.
The cheater is oblivious to the emotional reality that your world went into ‘freeze frame’ on hearing about the affair. Your world, the world of your children and parents froze at that moment. You never moved past that moment while the cheater assumes time has moved past it and so should you.
This is one of the effects of trauma. You can move past it with some resolution. Cheaters do not realize that their refusal to discuss matters keep the hurt there and unresolved. Their self-serving ‘keeping it to themselves’ is keeping the hurt alive.
In answer to ‘Do we really need to talk?’, Yes. You do need to talk.
When the time comes for that talk, are you prepared for it? Do you know what to talk about?
If you are unsure, the video “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” guides you through those moments.
Best Regards,
Jeffr
10 Responses
But how does one get the cheater to talk?
Just Me,
Here are some items to start with.
1. Ask one question at a time. After asking allow them time to respond. Do not rush in to ask the next question.
2. Understanding is more important than agreement. When they say things that you do not agree with, make sure you understand it first. A common mistake is to seek agreement before understanding what was said and what was meant.
3. Do not assume that you understand their words. They may mean something totally different than what you think they do.
4. Since they are often defensive regarding the details of the affair focus on the emotions rather than trying to uncover the sequence of events.
5. Realize what they are telling you is what their brain and heart remember. It may not be factually real, yet this is the reality that they are operating from. This is also the reality that you are going to have to deal with. Trying to prove them wrong will lead to them shutting down.
I have more in my e-book on surviving affairs and my teleseminar on the subject.
Unfortunately, when they refuse your multiple requests to discuss the matter in order to try to understand the issues and develop a mutual plan to resolve them, it might be time to end the relationship and get on with each other’s lives. It hurts even more when children are involved but prolonging the agony in hopes that the affair relationship will eventually die isn’t a solution either. Unfortunately, that the state to where I’m getting… something has to give. I may have to bite the bullet and just move on.
Scott,
It is good to hear a husband’s comments. It is always a tough call, to know what to do in such situations. When the cheater is totally shut down, it is hard to have any kind of relationship or conversation with them. It is hard to handle the hurt spreading into the family and threatening its integrity. When a parent, especially a wife gets so hard hearted that she can allow that to happen and not be moved, it is a tough situation. Wives often have a connection to home and family. (Although it may sound sexist, there are differences in the dynamics between a cheating wife and a cheating husband.) When that connection (of wife to family/home) is gone, it is often a sign that her heart has moved out and moved on. When hearts are that hard and cold toward family, you will need to take action of some sort. I can not tell you what to do, since I do not know enough about your personal situation. I can say that it is better to suffer for doing right than to do wrong. When the hurts are as intense as you describe there is often the desire to hurt them back or do them wrong. The choices to wrong the cheater or hurt them back always have long term effects.
Hi Scott, so sorry to hear about your situation. You will find terrific help here in the articles. I’d like to share with you and others another website that is also promarriage that had some interesting concepts about viewing infidelity as a midlife crisis and ‘standing’, especially if the affair is still going on. It’s called, http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/index.html. While the author is not an expert She has experienced much of what we all have in common here.
The other thing that I’ve learned having gone through this horrendous event is that love is a choice. You have that choice, to show her every day that despite her antics you still love her by acting in loving ways and by being strong/grounded. It seems these cheating spouses are lost souls which it’s taken me almost a year now to realize because I was taking my husband behavior personally which did cause me to lost… I’m finally getting grounded again. Read about ‘standing’. It a way to weather the storm and get through the crisis. Perhaps, she will come around…
Good luck to you and everyone who finds solace reading these wonderful articles by JM.
Maureen
We are told not to ‘seek love’
Much of what passes for love today is based on a bias toward emotional understanding ‘
The God of the BIble is indeed LOVE but He is also TRUTH …and JUST ….and all of his attributes must come into play in our understanding
There is no love without TRUTH ….and LAW
The ‘tenor’ of the law is based upon the summary ..
Love GOD with all your heart…with all your soul ,,,with all your mind and all your strength
AND
Love your neighbor as you love yourself
TO love yourSELF we are told to apply the FIRST commandment which IS to love GOD if we DO it
This is the love of GOD ” to keep my commandments’
THis is not legalism but it is to have integrated GOD’S STANDARD in every area of life…that comes from learning and KEEPING HIS WORDS…aka his commands…which all of his words comprise
We are not asked to do what HE would not do ..aka forgive what HE would not forgive.
When Jesus was brough a woman ‘caught in the act of adultery ‘ there were no witnesses…or none willing to stand before HIM as witnesses.
He did not condemn her because he had to KEEP the LAW …which demanded two to three witnesses in order to condemn anyone
THus he said to the woman ‘ where are thine accusers’? ‘ She said ‘no man, LORD”
HE replied ..”Neither do I condemn YOU then ..GO and SIN NO MORE”
Why ..because he would HAVE upheld the law had there been any witnesses to colaborate …and if he left town and she was caught again …she would get the full measure of the judgment as it remained.
REPENTANCE is not understood and not taught much today …it would probably empty churches and shut down the money making TV shows that claim to teach the gospel.
Thus sin abounds
People have a skewed vision of ‘love’ and ‘forgiveness’ and continue to live by the ‘bread’ of humanist doctrines and fantasies and the destruction of those faithful and unfaithful continues as the neglect of the word continues…
Truth makes you FREE from the power of SIN but it requires facing it in the first place courageously about one’s self …and we who are hurting are asking those who are marinating in sin to fess up ….It is difficult …they hide because they are ashamed…and do not think there is any benefit to exposing themselves to the surgeon of truth …which is the word of GOD …
It is amazing the people married for many years …shown their spouses they are trustworthy are being tossed aside for fantasy and liars…and there is NO doubt that the OP are liars…not to be trusted yet they are being given all of the LIFE of the marriage as they offer ‘free sex’! ASTOUNDING
Talk about ESAU trading his birthright for a bowl of pottage!!
INSANITY …
Zaza,
Thank you for your comments. Contemporary culture often seeks good sex, and fun times rather than love. The idea of the playmate is presented to us rather than that of a companion who will stick with us through thick and thin with whom we can raise a family with.
The switch has occurred through a collaboration of selfish interests, eastern influences, and rampant godlessness fueled by popular media and romance novels.
Until the fuel to the fire is removed, there is little chance of it being put out.
Well wouldn’t that be nice….but the Bible points out that the front lines are the world, the flesh and the devil …but the access to influence us is our hearts…which GOD declares is deceitful above all things…only HE knows it …and we CAN if we apply the sword of the spirit which is the word of GOD which divides assunder the thoughts and the intents of the heart
Our hearts can be changed….transformed by the renewing of the mind
Otherwise GOD has warned us that we will be CONFORMED to THIS WORLD which is fallen and corrupt and corrupting .
Evil companions corrupt good morals not only includes people with low or weak character but all things we allow to be ‘companions’ as you have pointed out ….
The ‘agenda’ of the world is seen in every media….and cirricula…the only way to KNOW or RECOGNIZE what is truth or what is error is if we know the WORD …and live by it .
It is spirit …HIS spirit that lives and will direct us away from evil influences or acting upon sinful ideas IF we are willing
TO be willing to listen to Him ..and to seek out that equipping His word provides takes a desire ..and a realization that we NEED a Savior …to be taught …to learn ….Pride and arrogance…leads away from this …but the Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom ..
Not too many ‘fear’ GOD today ..not even in churches…this is a dynamic of false teaching and desire to be taught what pleases the flesh….it is a SNARE ..
May more and more people become aware that they do not know it all …and that they NEED to be taught often many things that ‘sting’ but are good for us to have made known …otherwise …there is no repentance but a tsunami of sinful living ..which is followed by a tsunami of consequences ….increasing more and more as more and more people live lives of sinful indulgence….
“If it feels good do it ‘ is a mantra of the Devil. INDEED!
Zaza,
The influences we surround ourselves with do impact us. The so-called progressive thinkers have used their influence to change sex from an intimate act within the sacred institution of marriage into a recreational activity. With a change like that and the use of sex to sell everything, it is no wonder that there are problems with adultery.
yes…sadly this is the world our children have been given to navigate through …the LORD is STILL the SHEPHERD of those who are willing to follow HIM …HE will lead us …..despite the snake pits that abound!