When people deny our reality and experiences it creates an unsettling feeling. We clearly know what we saw and what happened. In the context of an affair, there are times when a spouse denies what we saw and what happened. When this occurs, it leaves the person feeling bewildered. In therapy circles, this is often known as “crazy making”. The name certainly fits how it leaves one feeling. It is as if your whole sense of reality is turned around and twisted into something unrecognizable. Through our spouses denial and twisting, we begin to doubt ourselves. The situation becomes even more intense if similar behaviors occurred in your family of origin. In that case, it echoes back to unsettling events in your childhood as well. It leaves you questioning a whole plethora of experiences. After all, if you can not trust your own mind and heart, what can you trust?
How does one deal with such situations? To start with, tell yourself the truth. It is not beyond an infidel to lie, cheat, deceive and avoid dealing with reality about themselves, their affair and your marriage. If they say they never loved you, check your reality. If there are many gifts, love letters and photos, and tokens of their love, they did love you. Such statements can be devastating because they change the reality and meaning of the whole relationship. It rocks the relationship to its foundation, and it is a lie. Infidels often surround themselves with lies in creating their own ‘nirvana’ out of the new affair relationship. In constructing this nirvana, they often want to rewrite their past history to change the importance of their relationship to you. It is important to realize that this is what is occurring. In order for them to stay in the affair and avoid cognitive dissonance, they have to rewrite their past.
(Cognitive dissonance occurs when who we are and who we think we are do not line up. The tension produced mentally and emotionally is often referred to as cognitive dissonance. This often occurs in affairs, where those involved are caught up in the fantasy and create a fantasy persona rather than deal with the reality of their lives).
It will be important to not fall for their twisting of reality.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
