On reading her email about discovering her husband’s affair, I could sense the anguish in her voice in asking “Was anything real?” There are times you are left questioning everything around you. You even start questioning yourself and your own value. Those are painful moments. Even when you tell yourself, ‘This will pass’, time moves slowly.
That’s one of the things about pain. It makes things seem like they’re in slow motion. You see things start falling apart in slow motion and feel helpless in doing anything about it.
In dealing with the question of what is real, there are some things to consider. You, for one are real. You may have been lied to and deceived, but you are real. The hurt you experience from the betrayal is real. They really did lie and they really did hurt you.
When you’ve been gaslighted over time, you start believing the lies they tell you about yourself. This moment when you are questioning things is your opportunity for breaking out of the power of gaslighting.
If they lied about the affair, they lied about the gaslighting. That means that all their demeaning comments about your intelligence, appearance and abilities were lies. He told you those things to blind you to your potential.
He may have loved you at one time, but he didn’t cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished and valued. Your healing starts when you stop believing the lies and start believing you have value and worth.
Along the way, there were real moments. The two of you really did travel to some places and if there are children, they are real as well.
The effects of their lies, deception, and gaslighting will take time to wear off. It didn’t get there overnight and it’s not going away overnight. You can shrink its power by countering each lie with confirmation that it is a lie. It’s the unchecked lies you let into your head and heart that empower the gaslighting.
One of the most painful things is when you discover that he’s been lying about his love for you. That’s a deep betrayal because it means everything he said to you was a lie. He didn’t love you, he was just using you.
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you angry and hurt.
As you go through this part of recovery, it’s important to take things one day at a time. In the video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“, I go into some of the ways of accomplishing this.
When going through the crisis phase, there’s a temptation to make life-changing choices on impulse. You’ll have to resist that temptation and focus on other areas instead.
Click and download your copy today. You need solid footing in making it through this.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
