Just on hearing the term ‘wildfire’ I feel my stomach wince. Living in an area that experiences them puts me in a state of constant concern, especially when we are under wildfire alerts.
During the most recent threat, the smell and smoke continued growing in intensity. We could tell it was getting closer. When emergency personnel started going up and down the streets warning us, we knew it was serious.
At that time, my family and I were on high alert. We were in a state of watching, waiting and planning.
It brings a new definition of helplessness. You see the danger and there’s little you can do in stopping it. The danger keeps coming closer and there’s little you can do when the fire is out of control.
It was quite a relief when we talked with the fireman asking “Can we come out now? Is it safe?” and he replied “It’s safe! The danger is passed.”
At that moment, I breathed a sigh of relief, prayed “Thank You” to the Lord and started winding down from the tension. I felt like I was safe again. I felt like a turtle who could now stick out his head again.
Like a wildfire, when you sense danger, you change inside and out. What you talk about changes.
When recovering from an affair, you go into your alert mode. You prepare to meet the sudden threats. At the same time, your spouse also goes into alert mode.
The conversation is now about survival. Your senses are on high alert. You are ready to jump away from any threats and protect yourself. Your mind is on protection and survival.
A BIG mistake couples make is that they forget that they are still in this danger state when they start talking about the affair. Talk at that point is all that’s going to happen.
Neither of you are listening, nor are either of you taking risks or getting honest about what you are thinking or feeling. Your main interest is survival at that moment, it’s not about honesty or connection or intimacy.
Even months after d-day, the reminders of the affair keep both of you edgy. All it takes is a couple of misplaced words from either of you and what started as a simple conversation suddenly blows up.
The good news is that you don’t have to make this mistake of having ‘wildfire alert’ thinking when trying to discuss the affair. There are alternatives.
In the September special report on “Using Brain Hacks for Healing” available to members of Restored Lifestyle, I share with you ways of making the situation different. You’ll know how to handle it differently so that conversation opens up rather than shuts down.
The report is going out tonight, September 15, so you still have time to get your copy.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
