A reader posed the challenging question “Why would a wife turn to a butch lesbian for an affair?” Such a question along with its corollary of a husband having a homosexual affair are emotionally charged issues these days. The whole issue of same-sex affairs is one filled with emotion and controversies.
With same-sex affairs, the cheater actively rejects their marriage vows along with traditional sex roles. In posing the question from the ‘why’ perspective, you are looking for an explanation and who to blame for this happening.
Finding a person or issue to blame will only give you a ‘bad guy’ to blame and do very little in terms of restoring your marriage.
You can look for either what drove her away or what attracted her or both. Discovering the motivations behind their actions will give you a lot of information, but is it the kind of information that will bring healing?
If you are not looking for healing, you will not likely find it, since we find what we are looking for. If you are looking for someone to blame, you will likely find that someone, but it won’t bring your wife back.
The questions that will help you more is “What can I do to bring my wife back to our marriage?” or “How can I win my wife back?” When you start looking at these questions, you will come up with answers that lead to action plans rather than who or what to blame.
In posing the question of “Why”, it already communicates to me that you are looking for someone to blame, and get the blaming underway as your way of dealing with the situation, rather than looking at what you can do to improve your marriage.
No one enjoys living with a ‘blamer’. Blame carries with it confrontation plus added negative dispersion.
The very nature of blamers is one of avoiding responsibility by seeing everyone else as the cause of your problems rather than accepting responsibility for what they did or did not do.
The ebook, “Why he cheats” addresses the thinking and role of fantasy in forming affairs along with what you can do about them.
Best Regards,
Jeff
