The first time I witnessed the ‘flight from intimacy’ it surprised me. It was in a small group. When someone else from the group attempted making an emotional connection with John, fear shot through him and he bolted up out of his seat and headed for the door.
John wanted nothing to do with closeness, being vulnerable or feeling any emotions. I’d never seen him like this before.
It required several people to calm him down. It took several days before the whole issue was resolved.
Not only did he run from intimacy, he never let anyone give him gifts. The top of his closet was filled with unopened Christmas gifts given to him that he never opened. He wasn’t about to let people love him or show love towards him.
Intimacy scared him. He was terrified of getting emotionally close to others.
He managed avoiding getting emotionally close to others for years. In his case, he used anger as his yelling as ways of keeping others away.
He could have easily used drugs, alcohol or affairs as well. They all have ways of keeping others from getting too close. John chose anger.
In his case, the flight was a full out sprint away from intimacy and emotional closeness. There was so much pain in his life, he preferred running from intimacy since it stirred up painful memories.
Anytime you or your spouse faces trauma, there’s a temptation for running away from intimacy. It’s often easier letting your feet talk rather than let others get close.
In healthy people, this urge is resisted. They’ve learned that facing intimacy is more rewarding that running from it.
Although some have learned about how essential intimacy is, not everyone has. You or your spouse may be one of those who avoid intimacy. The affair itself is a way of avoiding intimacy.
If the lover is someone who they’ll never get close too, it’s a safe bet that the affair involves a flight from intimacy. In those cases, it’s used to keep you from getting too close.
They view themselves as ‘unlovable’. You may even hear them talk about how they don’t deserve you or you’re too good to them.
You may know that your marriage needs improved intimacy. It may also need help in stopping the flight from intimacy. The flight has to be stopped BEFORE what intimacy you have can be improved.
If you try getting close before stopping the flight from intimacy, you may be scaring your spouse and driving them away without realizing it.
One place to start turning the situation around is by dealing with traumas and resolving them before taking steps that improve intimacy. Removing the traumas together help create an environment conducive to intimacy.
In the video, “Overcoming Affair Trauma“, you can learn ways of moving past the traumas in your life rather than finding a new way of running from them and the possibility of intimacy.
Click and download the video. Inside, you’ll find instructions walking you through ways of moving past traumas. Those techniques get you unstuck, so that you no longer have to run away from intimacy or closeness.
Rather than continue running scared, you can instead connect with others and enjoy the support that brings.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
