Although much attention is devoted to the primary damage that comes from lying about an affair, you will not find much discussion about the secondary effects. Lying damages relationships on many levels. This is why it is important to consider the secondary damage from lying.
The primary damage is obvious. When the cheater lies about the affair, they manage hiding what is really going on. This lying damages trust. This lying makes it hard to know what you can believe about the affair.
The secondary damage is that all those lies make overcoming trust issues take longer. That quick fix lie that the cheater told often ends up making recovery take longer than it had to. Cheaters often think in the short term. Sure they may fantasize about a future with their lover at times, yet they do not consider the long term consequences of their lying on you and their relationship with you.
The more the lies and the longer they are told, the longer it will take for things to heal. Although I have not seen the research on this issue, my suspicion is that there is a direct relationship between the number of lies and how much longer it takes for a full recovery, if you can ever trust them 100% again ever.
Another assumption on my part is that the longer it takes them to end the affair, by dragging things out, the longer it will take before you start trusting them again. The more immediate the ending of the affair, and the more final and abruptly it ends, the sooner healing begins.
The cheater may assume that trust is like a light switch that is easily turned on or off. They do not consider that all those things they are doing to put off being found out are the very reasons recovery is taking so long. The reality is that trust operates more like a dimmer switch that gradually takes the lighting either up or down. The lies they told are like a limiter that has been put on that switch which keeps it from it full potential.
The lies the cheater told to delay things make it harder for you to trust them. The hidden paradox is that the greater the avoidance of emotional pain, the longer the pain continues. Since cheaters focus on immediate gratification, topics like the duration of pain is not even on their radar.
With the secondary damage from lies, you have to learn how to trust your spouse again. The road to regain that trust often involves checking up on them, to see if what they tell you can be believed. They may ask you “Don’t you trust me?” The answer is “No!” followed up by…”You have shown me that you can not be trusted. What are you doing to show me that you can be trusted?” Although they want to be trusted, they have shown that they can not handle your trust.
You may have to remind yourself that the cheater is the one that destroyed trust. Your checking up on them is a way to rebuild it. Had they not done what they did, you would not have to do what you are doing. You will have to test, test, test again and again. The cheater may get tired of being scrutinized, yet they did not get tired of lying to you. The cheater also forgets that it is easier to damage a marriage than it is to repair the damage they inflicted upon it. Repair always takes longer than doing the damage.
Although most of the lies may have centered on the affair, lying is something that spreads. If they lied about the affair, they likely lied about other things as well. Trust will have to be earned in each of these other areas as well. These may include financial matters, how they spend their time, who they spend their time with, who they call, etc.
Long after the lover is gone, you will still be cleaning up the dirty emotional clothes they left behind in the form of cleaning up the trust issues.
If you are looking for more information on trust and rebuilding it, you will want to consider my ‘trust formula‘.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
